My Husband Wants to Spank. I Don’t. What’s the Solution?

Recently, a Reddit thread sparked intense discussions among parents regarding the controversial topic of spanking. One user expressed concern about her husband wanting to use spanking as a form of discipline while she firmly opposes it. This debate highlights a complex issue that evokes strong emotions on both sides. 

Spanking supporters may see it as an immediate way to stop a child's behavior or believe that physical discipline teaches respect for authority. Yet, others believe that hitting children teaches them to hit. Opponents of spanking argue that it can instead lead to long-term negative consequences.

The Reddit user’s dilemma reflects a broader societal struggle as parents navigate their beliefs about discipline in the context of evolving societal norms and research findings. In addition, the Reddit thread serves as a microcosm of this larger conversation, illustrating how personal experiences, cultural backgrounds, and parenting styles shape individual perspectives on discipline.

This debate highlights the necessity for open communication between partners about parenting strategies (before and after having children). We speak with a clinical psychologist to discuss the research on spanking and how to approach this controversial topic when you and your spouse don't see eye to eye.

What Does the Research Say About Spanking?

We turn to Clinical Psychologist Dr. James Thatcher of Forest Psychological Clinic in Portland, Oregon, to discuss the research behind spanking. You can learn more about the practice on Instagram and Dr. Thatcher on YouTube. 

“Spanking is no longer a recommended consequence of bad behavior,” Dr. Thatcher says. Studies consistently demonstrate that physical punishment is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health problems in children. Dr. Thatcher explains that a meta-analysis (a study that looks at numerous other clinical studies and combines their findings into one research paper) by Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor examined 50 years of research, finding that spanking is linked to 13 negative outcomes and no positive effects.

In 2018, the American Academy of Pediatrics took a stance against spanking, noting that physical discipline teaches children that aggression solves problems. Dr. Thatcher says that research by Durrant and Ensom shows that spanking actually weakens parent-child attachment and reduces the internalization of moral rules. Dr. Thatcher shares, “This information about spanking is sometimes contrary to what parents believe (i.e., spanking builds character or teaches them a lesson).”

Discussing Spanking With Your Spouse

If you and your spouse disagree regarding discipline, Dr. Thatcher gives some ideas about how to have that conversation. 

When approaching this sensitive topic with your partner:

• Begin with shared goals; you both want what's best for your child's development.
• Share information rather than criticism: “I've been reading research that suggests spanking might cause problems for them in the short-term and the long run.”
• Offer alternatives that research supports: time-ins, logical consequences, and positive reinforcement.
• Acknowledge the challenge: “This is hard for both of us. We're unlearning patterns we may have grown up with.”
• Express empathy for their perspective, especially if they were raised with spanking.

Even though these types of disagreements can put strain on a relationship, Dr. Thatcher emphasizes that this is a disagreement couples can and should work through. 

Preventing Relationship Breakdown

Disagreements about discipline shouldn't lead to divorce. Family therapist Dr. John Gottman recommends:

• Focus on understanding before persuading.
• Create a “discipline plan” together during calm moments.
• Agree to try alternative methods for a set period.
• Consider joint parenting classes or family therapy.
• Remember, you're on the same team with different approaches.
• Practice “repair attempts” after disagreements.

Dr. Thatcher explains, “Finding a compromise on discipline takes time and patience, but with a commitment to open communication, protecting both the child's development and your marriage is possible.”

Conclusion

Parenting is challenging, and it can be even harder when you and your partner view discipline differently. Navigating the topic of spanking requires sensitivity and mutual respect. As parents grapple with differing beliefs about discipline and different backgrounds on the topic, it's essential to ground discussions in evidence-based practices that prioritize child development and well-being.

As Dr. Thatcher reminds us, research has consistently shown that physical punishment can lead to negative outcomes, including increased aggression, mental health issues, and a breakdown of trust between parents and children.

Understanding these implications can foster healthier discussions and enable parents to explore alternative disciplinary strategies that promote respect and empathy. Open communication between partners is crucial, not only in establishing a cohesive parenting approach but also in addressing concerns and fears that may arise.

Ultimately, prioritizing the well-being of children and the strength of the partnership will guide families toward effective and compassionate disciplinary practices. This ongoing dialogue is not just about choosing a side. The goal is to find common ground and create a nurturing family environment where children can thrive. By embracing empathy and understanding, parents can navigate their differences and work together to raise resilient and emotionally healthy children.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©fizkes/Shutterstock.com.