Raise Siblings Who Actually Get Along (Most of the Time) With These 5 Strategies

Any parent of multiple children knows that siblings don’t always get along. While there are a lot of factors (like age difference, birth order, or temperament) that can determine whether siblings are usually friends or foes, there are also some things you can do as a parent to help them treat each other well. 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), eight in 10 children in the United States grow up with a sibling, which is more than the number of children living with their biological or resident father. The APA explains that throughout adulthood, siblings continue to impact each other's mental health and well-being. Positive sibling relationships, characterized by affection, intimacy, and minimal conflict, provide essential emotional and material support, helping to guard against loneliness and depression.

Conversely, studies indicate that strained sibling dynamics are linked to various negative outcomes in adulthood, such as increased depressive symptoms and substance use. Sibling relationships are important for our kids' futures, and you can help your kids get along with these expert-vetted strategies.

What Does the Research Say About Sibling Dynamics?

Sibling relationships often provide an invaluable support system, fostering resilience and coping strategies that can be beneficial in adulthood. But what do we do if siblings don't get along? We speak with Clinical Psychologist Dr. James Thatcher of Forest Psychological Clinic in Portland, Oregon, to discuss the research behind sibling dynamics. You can learn more about Dr. Thatcher's practice on Instagram and Dr. Thatcher on YouTube. 

Thatcher says, “Sibling conflict is entirely normal, even in the most loving homes.” This is great to know, especially for those of us who may be struggling. However, Thatcher also states, “When the tension starts affecting daily life or emotional well-being, it’s time to step in, not to eliminate conflict but to teach kids how to navigate it respectfully.”

Strategies to Help Siblings Keep the Harmony

Dr. Thatcher offers five solid suggestions for helping the children in your life maintain peace, or at least mutual respect. While complete harmony may not always be achievable, fostering a respectful relationship is a valuable goal. Here are some evidence-based strategies to encourage siblings to treat each other well, even when they don't always get along:

1. Model Respectful Conflict Resolution

Children don’t learn how to manage conflict from lectures; they learn it from watching how adults handle disagreement. This concept, known as observational learning, underscores the importance of modeling appropriate behavior in everyday situations.

Tips for Modeling Respectful Conflict Resolution

• Narrate calm problem-solving out loud (e.g., “I’m frustrated, but I’m going to take a breath before I respond.”)
• Avoid harsh or sarcastic language when resolving your frustrations

Research from E. M. Cummings and P. T. Davies (2010) shows that children who observe constructive conflict at home develop better emotional regulation and peer relationships.

2. Teach Emotional Labeling and Self-Regulation

Many sibling fights happen when kids feel overwhelmed and don’t have the tools to express how they're feeling. When kids experience stress, frustration, or anxiety, they may struggle to articulate their feelings, leading to conflict with their siblings. This reaction can be exacerbated by a variety of factors, including developmental stages, external pressures, and emotional regulation challenges.

Tips for Teaching Emotional Labeling and Self-Regulation

• Use emotion charts, role-playing, or “feelings check-ins” to build emotional vocabulary
• Introduce calming strategies like breathing, walking away, or squeezing a stress toy

According to research from Denham et al. (2003), helping kids identify their emotions reduces aggressive behavior and improves empathy. When children learn to recognize and articulate their feelings, they can better understand their emotional responses and those of others.

3. Coach, Don’t Just Referee

Instead of just breaking up the fight, teach kids the skills they’re missing. This proactive approach not only resolves the immediate conflict but also equips them with valuable tools for managing future disagreements.

Tips for Coaching, Not Refereeing

• Practice how to disagree without name-calling
• Teach phrases like: “I need space,” “That hurt my feelings,” or “Let’s take turns.”
• Avoid asking who started it; instead, ask, “How can we make this feel fair to both of you?”
• Kids need repeated, calm coaching to build these skills, especially younger children or those with ADHD, autism, or emotional sensitivities.

By focusing on skill development rather than merely stopping the conflict, children learn to navigate their relationships more effectively. This not only reduces the frequency of fights but also fosters a sense of accountability and respect among siblings. Over time, these skills can lead to healthier communication patterns and stronger emotional bonds, ultimately contributing to a more harmonious family environment.

4. Create Opportunities for Positive Interaction

Set the stage for moments where your kids can feel like allies and not just competitors. When children see each other as teammates, they are more likely to support one another, collaborate, and develop a strong bond. 

Tips for Creating Opportunities for Positive Interaction

• Give them shared responsibilities (e.g., making a snack together or planning a family game)
• Catch and praise the smallest acts of kindness (“Thanks for giving your brother space when he needed it”)

The research from Kramer and Radey (2005) shows that positive reinforcement of prosocial behavior strengthens sibling bonds. When siblings observe that their kind and helpful actions are recognized and rewarded, they are more likely to repeat those behaviors, fostering a positive cycle of interaction.

5. Protect Individual Identity and Reduce Comparisons

Siblings fight more when they feel they’re being compared or treated unfairly. This sense of inequity can trigger feelings of resentment and competition, leading to increased tension and arguments. When parents or caregivers make comparisons between siblings, whether in academics, sports, or behavior, children may interpret this as favoritism. This perception can foster jealousy and a sense of inadequacy in the sibling who feels less favored.

Tips for Protecting Individual Identity and Reducing Comparisons

• Avoid labels like “the smart one” or “the wild one.”
• Spend 1-on-1 time with each child to affirm their unique strengths

Children compete less for attention when they feel securely seen and valued as individuals. When children feel acknowledged for their unique qualities and achievements, their self-esteem flourishes. This sense of recognition fosters a positive environment where siblings can thrive both emotionally and socially. 

Conclusion

Dr. Thatcher says, “You don’t need your kids to be best friends. You just need them to learn how to respect boundaries, express emotions appropriately, and repair after conflict. That’s not just good for the sibling relationship, it’s foundational for healthy relationships across their entire lives.” 

Respecting boundaries helps children begin to understand the importance of personal space and individual needs, reducing the likelihood of conflicts. When siblings learn to express their emotions clearly, they are less likely to resort to aggressive behaviors during disagreements. As parents, we can model emotional expressions and that allows children to see that discussing feelings is important, and it sets a positive example for them to follow. 

Additionally, teaching conflict resolution skills is crucial for repairing relationships after disagreements. Encouraging sincere apologies and forgiveness fosters resilience and emotional growth, building trust between siblings. Ultimately, the skills learned through navigating sibling relationships are transferable to friendships, romantic relationships, and professional interactions later in life.

By focusing on these skills, parents can help their children cultivate respectful and healthy relationships, which not only enhances family dynamics but also prepares them for successful interactions throughout their lives.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Denis Moskvinov/Shutterstock.com.