These 6 Strategies Are the Best Way to Teach Your Kid to Stand Up for Themselves, According to Childhood Experts

A cruel comment. A birthday party that your child doesn’t get invited to — but should have. At some point in their childhood, your kid is going to encounter a situation where they’ll need to stand up for themselves. It’s definitely easier said than done, though, especially for a kid who isn’t, well, a jerk. But just as you help your child prep their backpack for the next day of school, it’s important to teach your child to stand up for themselves, because it’s a skill that will last them a lifetime.

Why Kids Need To Learn To Stand Up For Themselves

When your child is little, if someone takes away their lollipop or pushes them at the playground, you probably didn’t think twice about stepping in to support them. As your child gets older, though, they’re going to have to learn how to stand up for themselves and fight their own battles. For kids and teens who struggle with confidence, anxiety, or social cues, learning how to do this isn’t exactly easy.

Even for adults, it’s hard to know when someone is crossing the line or if the situation really warrants a response. When in doubt, go with your gut, advises Joseph Cavins, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Clinical Director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center.

“A child's emotional response serves as their internal compass,” explains Cavins. “Their feelings of discomfort, fear, or anger are psychological signals that something isn't right.”

It’s one thing to feel it, but it’s another to act on it — especially when a child isn’t sure what’s right or wrong in the moment. One way to help them determine what’s healthy behavior and what’s not is by explaining the difference between balanced and imbalanced relationships.

“We need to teach them about equal and unequal power dynamics,” says Bonnie Zucker, Psy.D., a psychologist and author of How to Manage Your Social Power in Middle School. “Equal power is characterized by mutual respect and mutual generosity, whereas unequal power lacks both.”

When Should a Child Speak Up?

Timing is everything when teaching your child to advocate for themselves. “Learning how to stand up for yourself and be assertive is a necessary life skill, and the learning process begins in childhood,” says Zucker.

“Children experiment with social power, and those who are being excluded, dismissed, teased, or belittled need to learn how to respond assertively.”

So, when would your child need to stand up for themselves against a bully? “Children need to advocate for themselves whenever their psychological boundaries are being violated,” explains Zucker.

“Bullying, name-calling, and exclusion trigger the same stress responses in a child's developing brain as physical threats. Their nervous system doesn't distinguish between emotional and physical danger, so learning to respond assertively becomes a critical coping mechanism for healthy psychological development.”

But these behaviors don’t always occur with other kids in obvious ways. These dynamics can happen within your child’s own friend group, where standing up for themselves becomes even harder. In this case, “Your child needs to let others know that they won’t accept an asymmetrical power dynamic,” she adds.

This Is How Your Child Can Stand Up For Themselves

Show Physical Confidence

Sure, words matter, but body language can send a big message, too. And that’s why your kid should literally take a stand for themselves when speaking with someone who’s been giving them a hard time. “Physical positioning can be psychologically powerful for children — standing tall or removing themselves from situations gives them a sense of agency and control,” says Zucker. “These actions help regulate their nervous system and prevent the helplessness that can develop into anxiety or depression.”

Look Them In The Eyes

Steady eye contact is also a key component in showing confidence. It shows that they’re not afraid, and it can even cause the other kid to back down, for good.

Stop Being Too Nice

It’s unfortunate, but the kids who tend to get picked on are often the nicest ones. So while kindness is a strength, your child may need to learn how to dial it back with people who don’t treat them with respect. “Their nice demeanor can make them a target, so teaching them how to respond with a little attitude is important,” says Zucker.

Be Ready With A Few Key Comebacks

When engaging with a bully or someone pushing boundaries, your child should have some well-rehearsed one-liners to hit back with. For example:

• “You’re not in charge, and if you don’t stop, you won’t be sitting here either.”
• “I’d rather be short than be a jerk.”
• “I don't like how you're treating me.”
• “Did that make you feel better?”
• “Stop doing that to me.”
• “Did you come up with that all on your own?”
• “You’re not worth my time.”

Keep Communication Short And Sweet

Remember, the goal isn’t to engage in a debate or try to get the person to have a moral epiphany. Quick and confident is the way to stop the harassment for the sake of your child’s mental well-being. “Direct and clear communication reduces the psychological stress that builds up from feeling powerless,” says Cavins.

A drawn-out back-and-forth might wear your child down, or signal to the bully that they’ve gotten under their skin. “Having an assertive attitude activates their prefrontal cortex rather than their fight-or-flight response, which can lead to better emotional outcomes and increased confidence.”

Refrain From Getting Physical

Although your child might want to hit the bully (and rightly so), they should keep their hands to themselves at all times. Getting physical might get your child in trouble (especially at school) or even escalate the situation.

“Being passive and being aggressive both maintain the power dynamic — being assertive is what challenges it,” says Zucker.

What If Your Child Has To Stand Up To Their Friend?

Here’s where things can get tricky. A mean kid’s behavior is easier to spot than when the unkindness comes from a friend. But even if they’re besties, that doesn’t mean your child has to accept being talked down to, either.

We need to teach kids the qualities and characteristics of a good friendship. Take the time to educate your child on their rights in relationships. For example, they have the right to express their opinions and preferences without being made fun of or dismissed. Reflect on your own relationships to make sure you're modeling the kind of healthy (not hurtful) behavior you want your child to learn.

How Can Parents Build Self-Confidence At Home?

You don’t want to sit on the sidelines while another student is making snarky comments to your kid. In addition to talking through scenarios, role-playing at home can be one of the most effective tools. “It’s good to empathize with your child’s struggles and show that you believe in them,” says Zucker. “This affirms their worth and provides emotional support.”

For starters, try role-playing a common scenario — for example, a “friend” telling your child they can’t sit at their usual lunch table. Ask your child how they’d feel, then guide them in practicing a confident response.

“Children who learn to trust these internal cues develop better emotional regulation and self-advocacy skills,” adds Cavins. “Teaching them to recognize these feelings helps build the neural pathways necessary for healthy boundary-setting throughout their lives.”

“Role-playing builds neural pathways that make assertive responses more automatic under stress,” he adds. “Children who practice these scenarios at home develop better emotional regulation because they've already rehearsed successful outcomes.” This way, they won’t get flustered, and their responses won’t feel forced.

When Should Parents Step In?

As hard as it might be to watch, this is a situation where your child may need to navigate things on their own. “In general, parents should be providing background support only,” adds Zucker. “Teach them about social power and role-play to strengthen their skills.”

After all, if the goal is to teach your child to advocate for themselves, stepping in too quickly could send the wrong message — that they can’t handle it alone.

The same goes for teachers. Most social power struggles unfold during lunch, recess, and transition times, when adults aren’t always around. The best long-term solution is helping your child build the skills to manage it themselves.

That said, if the problem is ongoing or escalating, it’s time to intervene. “Parents should intervene before learned helplessness sets in,” explains Zucker. “Repeated exposure to situations where a child feels powerless can create lasting psychological patterns of avoidance and low self-esteem.” If self-advocacy isn’t solving the problem, adult involvement is absolutely necessary to prevent long-term emotional damage.

Standing up for yourself isn't easy for anyone, especially kids. But with patience and lots of practice, your child can master this skill that will help boost their self-confidence and honor their boundaries, too.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©DimaBerlin/Shutterstock.com