The Power of Self-Advocacy: When Kids Should Learn and How it Can Lead to Long-Term Success

Sometimes, it doesn’t take much for mama bear mode to be activated, especially if your child is being treated unfairly. Another kid takes your child’s favorite stuffy at day care and refuses to return it? You speak to the program director (or the parent) and demand it back — ASAP. A teacher consistently doesn’t call on your kid in math class, no matter how many times they have their hand up? You schedule a conference and politely (yet firmly) call them out on their behavior.

Advocating for your child is essential, especially when they’re younger, but as kids grow, they also need opportunities to learn how to advocate for themselves — especially in school settings. 

What Is the Right Age to Encourage Kids to Advocate for Themselves?

Ideally, empowering your child to speak up for themselves should begin well before they start elementary school. “It’s important to start in the toddler years by giving your child examples of simple if-then examples that teach problem solving and speaking up for themselves,” says Lauren Greeno, a Child & Adolescent Development Specialist and Founder of The Parenting Collaborative. 

Toddlers are notorious for having big emotions (and aren’t afraid to express them), and that creates an opportunity to encourage self-advocacy.  “At that age, children are cognitively able to express emotions and advocate for themselves, even if those feelings can sometimes flood their rational thinking,” says Greeno. For example, if your child is upset that the green crayon is broken, they can ask the teacher for another one, rather than throwing themselves on the floor. 

What School Situations Are Appropriate for Self-Advocacy?

As kids get older, the need for self-advocacy becomes even more evident. In a school setting, your child may experience challenges that require them to stand up for themselves. Thanks to overcrowded classrooms and increasing academic demands, even the most attentive teachers may miss a scheduled appointment to help your child with a confusing homework assignment. That might cause your child to feel frustrated, but it shouldn’t.

“Kids learn that asking for the support they need to succeed is a critical skill,” says Niki Yarnot, LASW, a licensed social worker and a neuro-inclusive coach.

But self-advocacy isn’t only for academics — your child might need to stand up for themselves in social situations, too. “Kids should advocate for themselves if they’re being teased, left out, or otherwise treated unfairly,” Yarnot advises.

Sure, speaking up reinforces their self-worth, but it goes one step further: When your child feels self-assured, they may be able to support their friends who are struggling to stand up for themselves in similar situations.

How Can Parents Support Kids in Advocating for Themselves?

Of course, it would be great if you could tell your child, “Speak up for what you want,” and they did it. But self-advocacy is a skill that requires practice and role-playing — lots and lots of it. So how do you start?

Speak with your child about some real or hypothetical school situations where they might need to advocate for themselves. It might be when their math teacher openly has favorite students — and your kid isn’t one of them. Or it could be seeing another classmate who sits alone at lunch every day.

Before exploring what they might want to say, encourage your kid to get in touch with their feelings. Self-advocacy is an emotional experience, after all, and role-playing is the perfect time for your child to get comfortable with not only what they want to say, but how they want to say it. “Parents should encourage their child to practice expressing their feelings and speak in a calm, controlled manner,” Yarnot advises.

This is especially important when self-advocacy doesn’t end in a favorable result. “Do a few mock conversations where first the response is positive, and the second one isn’t,” says Yarnot. “Be sure they understand in each scenario, how they want to respond and practice those responses.”

Another option is to offer low-pressure opportunities for your child to build up self-confidence outside of school. For example, let them order their own chicken tenders and fries at a restaurant, or politely request the server for another glass of chocolate milk. Or they can ask a zoo employee where the elephant exhibit is. They’ll learn that it’s not so scary to speak up for yourself. And be sure to pile on the praise when they do, regardless of the outcome, because your support matters more than you might think. 

Even if their initial attempts at speaking up for themselves are shaky at best, let your child know that it will become easier over time. “Continued role playing and problem-solving work allows them to get more reps under their belt,” Greeno advises.

And once your child sees that they’re being listened to, they’ll learn to value their own voice. Says Yarnot: “Be open about discussing the reality that it’s not always comfortable standing up for yourself or asking for help when you need it. With practice, though, it becomes easier.”

What If Your Child Is Reluctant to Advocate for Themselves?

It can be intimidating to ask for what you want, no matter how old you are. And if your child is used to you being their cheerleader, it can be tough to transition to self-advocacy. A good place to start is having your child shadow you in these situations.

“Tell your child you’ll go with them and advocate for them, but they need to be there as well,” says Yarnot. “Let them observe exactly how you handle the situation, what words you use, and how you remain calm no matter the response.”

Another option is the body doubling technique, where you offer moral support by being there with your child while they speak up for themselves. This silent support can look like staying in your car while your child squashes a squabble with their best friend after school. Or it could be standing out in the hallway while your child addresses an issue with their teacher.

What Happens When Kids Don’t Learn to Self-Advocate at School?

It might not seem like a big deal if your fourth grader isn’t assertive, but over time, that lack of initiative can have a lasting effect that continues well into adulthood. “I’ve seen far too many kids who are unable to clearly advocate for themselves — even college-aged students,” says Yarnot. “This impedes their ability to succeed on their own, both socially and academically.”

The truth is this: your child will have to navigate challenges independently, and you won’t always be around to fix things for them. 

Remember, when your child isn’t empowered to self-advocate, it could have negative consequences. Adds Yarnot: “Lack of understanding around self-advocacy and support can lead to isolation, lower self-esteem, low self-worth, and difficulty in both social and academic environments.”

And then there’s the taunting and teasing that can come with having Mommy make everything better, especially when your child is in middle or high school. “When kids hit adolescence, it becomes a social stigma to have your parents step in to solve everything,” says Greeno. 

How Can Parents Step Back When Letting Go Is the Hard Part?

Of course, you want your child to be independent, but when you’ve always been their advocate, it can be hard to relinquish your role. The thing is, no amount of parental love can protect your child from challenges in life, and learned helplessness is definitely detrimental. 

If you feel yourself itching to intervene, step back and pause. “When you feel like you can't help yourself, try talking to your partner, friends, or other parents for support,” Yarnot advises. Once you see your child stand up for themselves, you’re going to feel pride — and relief. 

That said, there are times when stepping in is necessary — especially when safety, learning differences, or emotional well-being are involved. When possible, work collaboratively with teachers and school staff to understand what strategies are already in place and how you can reinforce them at home. This helps support your child without undermining their growing independence.

Learning to advocate for themselves is a skill your child will need for all their lives. It’s not easy, and there will be moments when they feel uncertain. But by guiding and supporting them, they’ll gain the confidence to speak up for themselves until it becomes second nature. And there’s nothing that compares to seeing your child discover — and trust — their own voice.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Ushuaia studio/Shutterstock.com