It’s the Time of Year to Talk About Consent. Here’s How to Approach the Topic Before Family Comes to Visit.

Consent is sometimes a challenging conversation to have with our kids. It's something that shouldn't be taboo, but still feels uncomfortable. Holiday anxiety only adds to this, as it's a thought on many parents' minds this time of the year. Whether it's concern over uncomfortably long hugs, pinching cheeks, or kissing foreheads.

The fact is, kids are allowed to set their own boundaries. When it comes to affection, children know what they're comfortable with and what they're not. This season, we speak with Helen Bryer, a social worker and life coach. She tells us how parents can instill confidence in their children and help them set limits this year.

Why Is “Consent” Such an Uncomfortable Topic?

To learn how to set boundaries, we first need to understand why they cause so much anxiety. Bryer tells us this discomfort is actually rooted in our own pasts as parents. “Many of us grew up not really learning about consent or only learning about consent in extreme contexts. (i.e., the stranger who might approach you on the street that you shouldn’t talk to),” says Bryer.

“Instead, we learned that to be loved, accepted, and successful, we needed to be agreeable, uncomplicated, and that it’s most important to fit in and be no trouble.”

She explains that kids will not always consent to things others may expect them to accept. This means parents will experience this tension instead. “We logically know why consent is important, and we feel protective of our children. But it also feels excruciating to advocate for them because it goes against all our past conditioning,” Bryer says. “This is not just a mindset issue, but wired into our body in the way our nervous system responds in these situations.”

Bryer tells us that parents often find themselves setting boundaries with long-standing family members. “This is naturally much harder than setting a boundary with a stranger,” she says. “For example, when we are bringing up topics of consent that our parents and other relatives may have handled differently when they were parenting.”

The key to navigating this, Bryer explains, is learning that differences of opinion can be healthy. By communicating respectfully, both parties can ideally learn to understand each other better.

Shifting the Mindset to Consent vs. Comforming

As a life coach, Bryer now encourages and teaches others how to advocate for themselves. It's something she's extremely passionate about, but not something that always came naturally. “I still remember a moment in the supermarket when my son was around 14 months old. A shop assistant came over to him as I was scanning my shopping, as my son was upset and ready to leave the shop. She was trying to be friendly and chat to him, but he was scared of her, and she didn’t read his signals,” she shares.

“She stayed and kept coming closer to the point where she touched him gently on the cheek before I was able to intervene. I’d still been largely focusing on finishing the shopping as quickly as I could to get out and comfort him properly. He was so distraught that I had to abandon everything for a while, and I remember feeling angry with myself at the time for still trying to be friendly, even when this stranger continued disrespecting all his signals. This was one of several moments when I decided that I was going to learn to be a stronger and more confident advocate for him.”

Bryer continues, explaining that she understands both sides, but needed to shift her own focus. “Her intentions were clearly good, and that’s when it can be especially hard to set boundaries for fear of upsetting or embarrassing someone else. Or because we don’t really understand why our child is reacting strongly to something. But ultimately, the intention doesn’t matter. It’s the impact of the behaviour on our child that does. These days, I know that I can set boundaries in a way that is protective of my son but still kind and respectful.”

How to Start the Conversation With Your Children

Starting a dialogue about consent with your child can be stressful. Thankfully, Bryer offers advice on doing this in a way that makes this feel easy. “I’d recommend starting with a book. My son loves the book Don’t Hug Doug. But there’s a variety of books for different ages.

“Or you can make up your own story or scenario,” she says. “You could read the book together and use that as a starting point for conversations.”

Bryer adds that you can even do this without the help of a book. “You could also introduce the concept as part of moments that occur naturally in your day. For example, perhaps you usually hug them first thing in the morning. So you could ask, ‘Would you like a hug?'” She continues, adding, “If they say yes, you could say, ‘You know if you ever didn’t fancy a hug, you can always tell me, right? You’re the boss of your body.'”

“Similarly, you can use any situation in which your child perhaps declines a hug or another offer from you to reinforce this. You not only respect their answer but perhaps also thank them for telling you. And make it absolutely clear that you’re pleased and not offended or upset about this,” she says.

Bryer concludes by adding that parents can also share their own stories about consent. “This can be especially powerful if your child is having a hard time speaking up for themselves, because it may help them feel less alone.”

Establishing Boundaries With Over-Affectionate Family Members

We all have that one family member who doesn't respect personal space. While we can brush it off as adults, our children may have an adverse reaction to someone in their personal space. To combat this, Bryer says that being proactive is the best practice.

“I would suggest that any patterns like that that are known already are well worth preparing for in advance. Maybe by having a conversation with family members beforehand, perhaps in writing if that feels easier to manage. It could even be in a family group WhatsApp chat or similar if it’s more of a whole family culture,” she says.

Bryer provides us with an example transcript of what this could look like:

“I’m so looking forward to catching up over the holidays (could even add something like ‘I can’t wait for an Aunt Katy squeeze' if that feels true to you and appropriate to the relationship, because it makes it clear that generally the affection is welcomed by you yourself). I’m also excited for Chloe to see you again. I wanted to mention that she’s feeling a little nervous about seeing everyone and isn’t always keen on hugs. I know it’ll be just as important to you as to us that she feels comfortable, so thank you for being respectful of this.”

Bryer also encourages being proactive in the moment. By asking your child about their boundaries in front of family members, you give them the power to set them. “Perhaps by asking the child in front of the family member, ‘How would you like to say hello to Grandma? Would you like to give her a hug, a high five, or just a wave? You get to choose.' This also sends a clear message to the family members and helps everyone navigate the situation in a way that respects your child’s needs and wishes,” she says.

How to Handle a Family Member Who Ignores Your Requests

It's an uncomfortable situation, but sometimes, a family member won't take the hint. If someone continues to ignore your child's boundaries, there are ways to handle it. “I’d start off with finding some positive common ground, whilst also clearly stating what I’m observing and what I’m requesting,” Bryer suggests before providing an example.

“For example, ‘I love how much you care about Chloe, and I really appreciate all the effort you’ve made for us. I’ve noticed you stroking her back, or sitting very close to her, or giving her hugs, or whatever the scenario might be, and I know that Chloe prefers her personal space. Could you show your affection in other ways? I’m sure she’d love to play Lego with you.”

Bryer adds that your following response depends heavily on the family member's reaction. “It might look more firm: ‘It’s my job to make sure Chloe feels comfortable and safe, thank you for helping me with that.' Or even as far as ‘I’m not debating that, I need you to respect her boundaries.' On the other hand, it might look much more reassuring if the person seems embarrassed and keen to work with me.”

Navigating Guilt Around Consent Boundaries

If you feel guilty for doing this, Bryer says that's entirely normal. “Feeling guilt around these situations is completely normal and understandable, given the conditioning we so often received over many years,” she explains.

“I always love to go back to what guilt actually is and what the purpose of it is. I’ve come to understand guilt as something that has purpose. Guilt exists so that if we act out of alignment with our values, and have done something we consider to be ‘wrong’, we are prompted to re-evaluate, apologise, and repair the situation, behaving in more alignment going forward. Once that has happened, guilt is no longer needed because it’s served its purpose.”

“So I would urge parents to understand that guilt may not be completely possible to avoid, but that it also doesn't always mean we have actually ‘done anything wrong' and that we can do many things to support ourselves with it,” she adds.

“One thing that will absolutely help is to get clear on what we value and what we value most — for most of us, our child’s safety and well-being are going to be the priority, and so we get to work with that guilt that comes up and examine it. Is it warranted? What is it trying to tell you or trying to get you to do? What’s it trying to protect you from? And is that a real risk, or is that related to an old story? Because once we understand that, we don’t need to let the guilt dictate how we act.”

How Can Parents Show Up for Their Children When Establishing Consent?

One of the best ways to show up for your kids is to be honest. “Depending on the age of the child, I would absolutely invite them to problem-solve with you,” Bryer says.

“What do they think they would feel comfortable with? Do they know they can also change their mind? How would they like communication around this to happen? Do they feel able to speak up for themselves? Would they prefer you to take the lead on this?”

Although it's still your job to ensure your child is safe, working with them can prepare them to have these conversations without you in the future. Bryer adds, “I would avoid giving them too much responsibility, because the power dynamic between children and adults can be difficult for children to navigate. But planning together in a way that allows them to share their views and preferences can be really supportive for the child to feel respected, and more confident going into the situation.”

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