Mom Guilt: Where It Comes From and How to Let it Go

Mom guilt — that feeling that you just aren't meeting society's, or your own expectations — isn't a new phenomenon. Although we call it mom guilt, it can happen to any parent. Mom guilt is not new; it's likely been around as long as humans have. But today it appears to have reached a peak, with social media providing a constant comparison to how others are doing at parenting.

Of course, the cheerful posts you see on social media often don't show the hard times, but tend to highlight the best moments of someone's life. Where do these guilty feelings come from, and most importantly, how can we let them go? We speak with an anxiety and OCD therapist for some answers.

The History of Blaming Mothers

The modern context for blaming mothers for anything and everything that might go wrong in a child's life took a turn for the worse in the 1940s, when psychologists put the message out that mothers were to blame for many of their children's psychological problems. Austrian physician Leo Kanner even blamed mothers for causing the autism spectrum disorder when he said the cause was from a “genuine lack of maternal warmth.”

In the 1980s and 1990s, increasing numbers of women entered the workforce. However, along with this new independence came shame directed towards working women for not fulfilling their parenting duties. Women felt immense pressure for not being able to “have it all,” or for feeling exhausted while trying to.

Today, we have a much deeper understanding that working parents (and stay-at-home parents) are overwhelmed and need support. Yet, the feelings of mom guilt persist.

Why Do Parents Feel Guilty?

We reached out to Joanna Hardis, cognitive behavioral therapist in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, and author of “Just Do Nothing: A Paradoxical Guide to Getting Out of Your Way,” for insight. Watch for Hardis' latest book coming out this October 2025, titled “Just Do Nothing (for Parents): How to Parent Better by Doing Less.”

We ask Hardis where she thinks the feelings of mom guilt come from. Hardis tells us, “There can be guilt that comes from having to work long hours to make ends meet and pay for daycare, and then there can be the guilt that comes with the belief many parents hold that if they parent a certain way (generally intensively), their child will be happy and successful.”

She continued, “This idea, called parental determinism, drives a lot of parental behavior and puts an enormous amount of pressure on parents to spend inordinate amounts of time, money, and attention on their children. When they can’t meet some perfectionistic standard, or they see peers/influencers on social media, or their child struggles, it can lead to tremendous guilt and anxiety.”

Mom Guilt Is Normal

Multiple studies have revealed that mom guilt is universal. One study showed how the “motherhood myth” can cause women to have unrealistic expectations of themselves. Another study focusing on mothers in Sweden, Germany, and Italy found that moms in those countries still felt parental guilt. And this is despite living in places, unlike the U.S., that offer public polices with better maternal leave and more family-friendly policies. One last study examined the guilt of mothers in Finland, which is known for its generous parental leave policies. The evidence is clear: mothers around the world place unrealistic expectations on themselves, and feel guilty when they can't meet them.

Recognizing When It’s Not Actually Guilt

Sometimes, when we think we're feeling guilt, our real feelings may be more complex. Hardis tells us this can come down to a term called “emotional confusion.” She explains that clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy (often referred to as Dr. Becky) says that many times what we're feeling is not guilt, but may be some other emotion.

Hardis explains, “Guilt happens when you act against your values or moral code. If the emotion doesn’t fit the facts of the situation, it’s the wrong emotion — that’s emotional granularity. Feeling guilty because your child is upset they can’t have a phone is a good example. Sticking to your boundaries is not acting against your values/moral code, so guilt is not the right emotion for the distress you’re feeling. You may feel distressed that your child is upset. That would fit the facts. Most people just feel something and assume it’s guilt; that’s just the first thing that comes to their mind.”

Guilt Isn't Always a Bad Thing

We ask Hardis if guilt can sometimes serve a purpose. For example, can having guilty feelings sometimes point to intuition that something might be wrong? Hardis tells us, “Yes, if it fits the situation, guilt is meant to keep our behaviors aligned with our values/moral code/societal expectations. If you had called your child horrible things in the course of this interaction, that guilt would be warranted (e.g., ‘you are such an entitled brat…'). The emotion (guilt) would fit the situation since shaming your child is probably incongruous with how you want to parent.”

How to Handle Mom Guilt When It Surfaces

Hardis tells us that one step towards understanding the guilt you are feeling is simply understanding what guilt actually means. “I think just knowing what guilt actually means can be really helpful. Same for shame, which is another one that people get confused about what it actually means.”

She recommends asking yourself the following questions: 

• Does guilt fit the facts of the situation (e.g, did I act against my moral code?)
• If it does fit the facts, then it’s about repairing the relationship with your child and understanding what made you vulnerable to acting out, as well as the skills you might need.
• If it doesn’t fit the facts, what emotion makes more sense?
• And regardless of which one, how can you offer yourself some grace/self-kindness through this process?

Furthermore, Hardis recommends learning your own triggers. “This isn’t helpful when it surfaces, but I think knowing your triggers/vulnerabilities is important. If you notice that you’re feeling distressed after consuming social media, consider limiting/avoiding that kind of content.”

When Is It Time to Seek Professional Help?

If you believe that you may need support, don't hesitate to get it. Hardis says, “This will be my 30th year as a therapist, and I can say unequivocally that people wait too long to seek help.” She continues, “Moms will put everyone’s needs above their own and tell themselves, ‘it’s not that big of a deal, so many people have it much worse, I don’t want to waste their time,' etc.”

“I’ve never experienced someone reach out ‘too early.' Certainly, I think moms should reach out when they notice a pattern of behavior, if they can’t shake a mood (or it consistently returns), if they’re spending a lot of time worrying, overthinking, or replaying situations.”

Don't Forget Self-Care

It's easy for moms to get caught up in a cycle of always feeling busy and overwhelmed. But it's hard to have energy to parent your child when you are depleted. Don't forget to carve out some time for yourself. You won't only be giving yourself much-needed self-care, but you'll be teaching your child through modeling that health habits are a priority.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV/Shutterstock.com