Is It Defiance or Something Else? Experts Weigh in on What Causes Disobedience in Children

All parents are familiar with their children acting out occasionally. After all, they don't call it the “terrible twos” for no reason. Aside from growing pains, disobedience can stem from anything: a need for increased independence, testing boundaries, a lack of routine, or even a need for attention. Parenting is not an exact science, and neither is learning why your child is misbehaving.

To get to the bottom of this behavior, we called in an expert. Dr. Jessica Sher Lisa is the Founder & Clinical Psychologist at Empowering Minds Consulting. She shares what could be triggering your child's mood changes and how to tell whether it's behavioral or something deeper.

Disobedience Isn't Necessarily a Red Flag

Understandably, any child who lashes out or rebels against the rules is concerning. It's only natural for parents to worry that something is wrong. But at a core level, some disobedience is actually normal and can be a good sign, according to Dr. Sher Lisa. “Some level of defiance is not only normal, it’s necessary. What looks like pushing back is often a child beginning to separate, form their own identity, and test independence,” she explains.

Dr. Sher Lisa adds that this is a healthy developmental shift. “The key is how we respond to it. When parents meet that shift with empathy and stay connected to what their child is moving toward, more independence, more voice, more autonomy, the intensity of the pushback often softens. Kids don’t need to fight as hard when they feel understood,” she says.

It might feel counterintuitive to go against the rules laid out before them, but it may be what your child needs. For example, between two and three — what some call the “threenager” phase — is when toddlers require support rather than strict punishment. As kids become preteens and teenagers, the same is also true — their behavior is a message, and they're often communicating something they might not have words for.

When Acting Out Is More Than An Attitude

Outbursts and anger, or withdrawal and behavior and isolation, can be cause for concern. However, Dr. Sher Lisa advises parents to watch for additional warning signs. “It’s less about the attitude itself and more about the impact. A major red flag is a noticeable decline in functioning. If a child who was managing school, friendships, or daily routines starts to struggle significantly, that’s worth paying attention to,” she explains.

She goes on to say that safety is another important marker. “If behavior becomes aggressive, risky, or unpredictable, that goes beyond typical development. A sudden shift from a child’s usual baseline can also be telling. Neurological or developmental differences often show up as a drop in capacity. The child isn’t choosing not to do something; they can’t access the skills they used to have. When behavior begins to interfere with a child’s ability to function or feel well, it’s a sign to look more closely.”

Another factor to consider is this: If these actions are behavioral, why are they happening? It's estimated that approximately 20% of all children in America are neurodivergent. In many cases, meltdowns, which can be perceived as disobedience, are normal. Dr. Sher Lisa explains why this happens and how parents can handle it. “A meltdown is an overwhelmed nervous system, whether it’s driven by sensory input, emotional stress, or developmental changes. Instead of trying to label it, it’s more helpful to focus on what the child needs in that moment,” she explains.

“During a meltdown, kids are not in control. They can’t reason their way out of it, and consequences don’t help. What does help is a calm, supportive presence and space to regulate. When parents respond this way consistently, children begin to learn how to move through big emotions more safely over time.”

Is It Time to Consult An Expert?

There is never shame in getting help or an outside opinion. This can reduce stress and restore a sense of control for parents. According to Dr. Sher Lisa, there are also other ways to manage disobedience while determining its cause.

“If the behavior is consistently affecting the child’s life or the family’s well-being, it’s time to get support. That might look like ongoing conflict, school struggles, or a child who seems stuck or increasingly distressed. Therapy can be very helpful, but it’s not the only piece,” she says. “Kids benefit from having outlets where they feel successful and connected, whether that’s social opportunities, extracurriculars, or supportive environments at home. Often, the biggest shifts happen when both the child and the parents are supported. Small changes in how adults respond can make a meaningful difference.”

Dr. Sher Lisa adds that many kids act out when they don't feel safe enough to remain engaged. ” The goal is to build a relationship rooted in trust, not fear. That starts with curiosity. Trying to understand rather than correct. Letting your child know you’re on their side, even when things are hard. Kids open up when they feel accepted, not judged. When they know they don’t have to get everything right to stay connected. That sense of safety is what brings them back,” she encourages.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Dikushin Dmitry/Shutterstock.com