How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool, According to a Child Psychologist

It's not called the “terrible twos” for nothing. As toddlers grow and explore the world around them, their behavior is sometimes intense. It may seem as if they are willfully trying to defy you. Actually, young children are experiencing a lot of emotions, and they haven't developed the ability to control them yet.

As a parent, it's your job to help them through this challenging (but also exciting!) time in their lives without losing your cool. We speak with a clinical child psychologist for some expert advice on how to deal with toddler tantrums while still maintaining your cool.

Toddler Development

Children are considered toddlers from ages one through three. When you think of the number of changes a child goes through from the time they are a one-year-old baby until they are a preschooler at age three, you can see this is an incredibly busy and important time for young children. According to the National Library of Medicine, toddlers are developing in five main areas:

• Gross motor skills (walking, running, and climbing)
• Fine motor skills (using utensils, painting, and drawing)
• Sensory (see, hear, taste, touch, and smell)
• Language (begins with simple words and builds into sentences)
• Social (taking turns, playing with others, imaginary play)

Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?

Along with all of that growth and development comes a lot of emotions. And sometimes, the emotions can get overwhelming, leading to a tantrum. Dr. Robyn Koslowitz shares some advice on how to manage toddler tantrums. Dr. Koslowitz is a clinical child psychologist and the author of “Post-Traumatic Parenting.”

The first thing Dr. Koslowitz tells us is that she doesn't like to use the word “tantrum”.

“I don’t believe in the word ‘tantrum. That word implies manipulation, and toddlers aren’t developmentally capable of that kind of strategic behavior.”

According to Dr. Koslowitz, toddlers aren't misbehaving on purpose. “What we’re seeing is usually a meltdown. Their self-regulation system has gone offline, and they’re no longer able to cope. They're not giving us a hard time, they're having a hard time. I actually remind myself of this, in that exact language, when I deal with my own 3-year-old's big emotions.”

How Should We Respond to a Toddler's Meltdown?

When your toddler begins to fall apart, Dr. Koslowitz says to keep your language simple and grounded. At this point, you can validate their emotions by showing them you understand their point of view. “Say what you see: ‘You really wanted to push the elevator button and someone else got there first,' or ‘You really didn’t want to wear your shoes today. That’s frustrating.' You're narrating and normalizing emotion without trying to shut it down.”

As parents, we want to fix things for our children. But there is no magic switch to turning off a toddler's emotions in the middle of a meltdown. Dr. Koslowitz suggests, “Just let the feelings happen. Your job isn’t to ‘fix' the meltdown or find an off-switch. It’s to stay calm and connected while your child moves through it.”

What Happens When an Outburst Occurs in Public?

As any parent knows, it's tough to stay calm and stick to a plan when you are out in public and feel the eyes of others judging you. But your reaction to an outburst shouldn't be different outside of the house than it is at home.

“Whether you're at home or in public, the plan stays the same. What changes is your emotional bandwidth. In public, parents often feel judged, and that activates our nervous system. That’s especially true if we have a trauma history.”

Dr. Koslowitz's words are a gentle reminder that, as parents, we're dealing with a lot of emotions too. It's okay to offer yourself grace when a scenario like this is challenging for you.

“When you’re being watched — at Target or on the playground — it can activate what I call the trauma app. That’s the survival algorithm our brain developed to keep us safe. It overrides our parenting instincts. You might freeze, overreact, or say something you regret. Not because you're a bad parent, but because you're dysregulated.”

Tips to Prevent a Toddler Outburst Before It Happens

When it comes to ways parents can read the signs and prevent a tantrum before it happens, Dr. Koslowitz explains, “Just like adults, toddlers have a limited amount of emotional bandwidth. Meltdowns often happen when that capacity runs out.”

Parents can keep an eye out for signs of overstimulation or exhaustion and learn the possible triggers. This can happen when a child is hungry, thirsty, or tired, but it can also happen on a fun day.

“A high-energy day, too many transitions, or too many choices can deplete a child’s resources.”

Dr. Koslowitz tells us, “Prevention sometimes looks like saying no to the extra ride at the carnival or skipping the fourth errand on a busy day. It’s not just about avoiding discomfort; it’s about protecting their nervous system’s capacity to self-regulate. And our own. When we're depleted, it's harder to respond mindfully to them.”

How to Know When a Meltdown is Normal Toddler Behavior or Something Else

We also ask Dr. Koslowitz if there are red flags that a toddler's intense emotions might be signaling something deeper, such as neurodivergence. She explains, “While meltdowns are a normal part of toddler development, certain patterns can suggest something more.”

These signs can include:

• Sensory issues. “If your child is consistently melting down in response to sensory input that most kids tolerate—like the texture of playdough, the sound of hand dryers, or the feel of certain fabrics—that could be a sign of sensory processing challenges.”
• Unpredictability. “Meltdowns that seem completely unpredictable, with no observable trigger, can also signal that your child is struggling to process their environment in a neurodivergent way.”
• Intensity of emotions that feels unmanageable.

If you have any doubts or concerns about your child's behavior, reach out to your pediatrician or a child psychologist.

“If you’re seeing patterns that feel extreme, confusing, or unmanageable, it’s worth talking to a pediatrician or child psychologist. Early intervention is most helpful, so the faster you know, the better off you are.”

How Can Parents Regulate Their Own Emotions During Toddler Outbursts?

While it's easy to understand the benefit of remaining calm and not meeting a child's intense emotions, sometimes it's easier said than done. The more tired, depleted, or stressed you are, the tougher it can be not to react to a young child's meltdown.

As Dr. Koslowitz explains, “The first thing I tell parents is this: if you’re getting dysregulated, it’s because you’re a good parent. Your mirror neurons are doing their job. You’re wired to feel your child’s distress. That’s not a flaw — it’s a feature.”

Although it's normal to feel distressed, there are ways to cope. “When you feel yourself start to spiral, remind yourself that the goal isn’t to ‘get them to stop.' The goal is to stay regulated enough to offer them your calm. You don’t need to say the perfect thing. You just need to stay present. That’s how co-regulation works. Your nervous system cues theirs.”

And finally, don't forget that you may need to take a short break yourself. If you feel like you have to step away, it's okay to tell your child that you need a moment, as long as they're safe. By stepping away, you're modeling self-regulation for them.

When You Help Yourself, You're Helping Your Child

Many parents are raising children with some form of trauma in their background. Whether it's from abuse or neglect in their own childhood, or something else, parenting after trauma can make a parent feel insecure and anxious in their choices.

“One of the hardest things about parenting after trauma is that the stakes feel higher. We’re not just responding to a child’s meltdown. We’re also managing our own nervous system, which may be sounding alarms from years ago.”

Dr. Koslowitz leaves us with a story about her young son.

“My youngest son is three, and he recently had a huge meltdown because he didn’t want his older sister coming along on a grocery store trip. He sobbed, screamed, and even threw a toy at her. I sat nearby and said, ‘You really wanted to go by yourself. You’re so sad right now.'

I didn’t try to reason with him. I didn’t bribe him or punish him. I waited, and when he was ready, I asked if his cuddle bank felt empty. He nodded. I took him in my arms, we connected, and then I reminded him of the boundary: ‘You’re allowed to be disappointed. You’re not allowed to throw toys at people.'

That’s what post-traumatic parenting looks like. It’s not perfect. It’s present. And that presence rewires both your child’s brain — and your own.”

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Anna Kraynova/Shutterstock.com