My Child Won’t Stop Lying. What Should I Do? Experts Weigh In on How to Approach a Child’s Dishonesty

You ask your child if they ate the last chocolate cupcake, and they deny it — even though their face is full of frosting. Or your teen tells you that they aced an exam when they barely passed. Even though almost everyone lies at some point in their lives, it can be concerning when your kid won’t stop lying. Here are some reasons why your child is being dishonest, and what to do to encourage honesty.

When Do Kids Start Lying?

If you’ve ever had a little one who claims to be an astronaut who orbited the earth (in under a minute, no less), then you know that the stories they say are often funny and far-fetched. And that’s due in great part to their age, since lying can start as early as 2-years-old, according to Kendall Maloof, LMFT, a licensed therapist and the Clinical Director at Eagle Creek Recovery.

“At first, lying at this age can look cute and clumsy,” Maloof says. “Parents usually have to fake seriousness because they are almost amused by the child’s attempt to deceive them.”

Of course, honesty is the best policy, but don’t fret if your child fibs now and then. 

“Parents usually feel worried when their sweet little child starts lying,” says Rebecca McBride, MSW, LSW, a therapist and social worker at Pathways Treatment Center. “They start wondering if this means the child will become dishonest, but between the ages of 2 and 4, lying is not really a moral problem — it’s a normal part of cognitive growth.”

Why Do Kids Lie?

Toddlers often have no problem telling things as they are. Known for their blunt (and brutal) honesty, they’ll say things like, “Is there a baby in your belly?” when you’re not expecting or share with everyone in the supermarket that Mommy has hair…down there. So if they’ll freely share their observations with anyone within earshot, why do they start swapping truth for tall tales?

The answer isn’t exactly straightforward, according to McBride. “At a younger age, lies are usually related to avoiding punishment. A child may say he or she did not take the toy, eat the sweets, or hit their sibling,” she says. (Cue aforementioned cupcake.) “In preschool children, lies can almost sound like a story because they still mix reality with imagination. They may not always separate what really happened from what they wish had happened.”

While it might become worrisome if your child spins stories that aren’t based in truth at all, lying is actually to be expected. “As a trauma-focused clinical psychologist, I find myself reminding parents repeatedly that lying isn't merely misbehavior; it's an emotional and developmental sign,” says Dr. Daniel Glazer, a clinical psychologist and Co-Founder of US Therapy Rooms. “At this point in development, young children are testing reality and gaining some level of control through early lies.”

Kids and Teens Lie for Different Reasons

As your child gets older, their stories get more sophisticated, and sometimes, more credible, as the lies told directly relate to what’s going on in their lives. “In teenagers, we can expect lies about their friends, going out, and their need to have more control over their lives,” McBride explains. “This does not always mean they are becoming dishonest, though.  Sometimes it means they are testing independence and trying to protect their private world.” 

But lying isn’t always about escaping consequences — it can also be a sign of how your older child wants you to see them. “Their behavior can be shaped by preserving an image that pleases their parents and may lie in order to do so,” McBride continues. “They might be afraid of their parents’ reaction, so they try to protect themselves by lying.” That’s why it’s important to recognize that it’s often not about the lie itself but what it represents: the child’s need for parental love, respect, and emotional safety. 

Parents can inadvertently play a part in their child’s lies. “A non-conventional insight is that children tend to lie more frequently when they feel overly controlled by adults, rather than simply being poorly disciplined,” adds Glazer. “Additionally, persistent lying tends to occur when children feel they cannot acceptably exist as themselves; therefore, they alter aspects of reality to survive.”

How Does Lying Change As Kids Get Older?

Your younger child might deny slapping their sister because they drooled all over their doll’s head, but lying does adapt as kids get older. “The types of lies kids tell do change depending upon the child's age,” points out Glazer. Preschool kids might flatly refuse to admit they drew on the walls, even though they’ve been caught red-handed with a crimson crayon in hand. 

As kids mature, though, their lies are less fantasy protection and more to avoid punishment. “When children reach approximately ages 7-9 years old, they may begin telling you ‘I forgot my homework,’ which is much closer to social avoidance for the purpose of avoiding punishment,” continues Glazer. “Lying becomes more socially protective at preadolescent stages, such as covering up relationship issues or mistakes made to protect one's identity and how peers perceive them.”

What Do You Do When Your Child Is Lying?

Sure, it can be cute when your kiddo tries to sell you an absurdly outrageous story. And while it can be hard not to laugh, you should correct the behavior so that lying doesn’t become a habit. But before calling your kid out on these non-truths, you’ll need to know what to say that encourages honesty — and not your child doubling down on the dishonesty. 

“The first thing is to stay calm and address the situation,” advises McBride. “It’s not a good idea to ask the same question 100 times. If we all see that the cake is eaten, asking ‘Did you eat the cake?’ again and again can only frighten the child and push them deeper into the lie.” Instead, offer a safe space for your child to speak their truth. “It’s better to say something like, ‘I see the cake is eaten, so let’s figure out what happened.’” This way, you’re not ignoring the lie, but you’re also not turning the moment into an interrogation, either. Adds McBride: “The goal is to help the child feel safe enough to tell the truth and learn what to do next.” 

Adds Glazer: “For younger children who exhibit behaviors consistent with lying, there are two successful methods of approaching the situation: reducing the perceived threat and providing repair rather than punishment.” He points out that teaching what to do if a mistake is made provides children with the opportunity to develop a sense of responsibility. 

How Do I Deal With My Teen Being Dishonest?

Teenagers, on the other hand, are discovering a bigger world of friends, relationships, school dynamics, and privacy. Their lies can be more serious (like denying that their underage friends were drinking at a party) and should be addressed right away. The goal, though, isn’t punishment but rather meeting your child with curiosity and compassion.

“We need to develop open communication with teenagers while still giving them their right to privacy,” Maloof advises. “They need to feel safe enough to tell us the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it is.”

But excessive lying may require some expert input. For example, if lying becomes your child’s go-to for no apparent reason, speak with a professional about the problem. “If a child is lying for no reason or hides important things, then it needs our attention because they’re trying to tell us something,” she adds. According to Maloof, continued lying is a surface-level indicator that something more important is going on below the surface.

Regardless of their age, be sure to address the issue with clear expectations moving forward. “Every situation is different, and you need to change your approach based on that,” says Maloof. “Make sure to always talk about it and use it as an opportunity to teach right and wrong.” And if your child lies frequently, consider the possible source of the issue so that they don’t need to lie in the first place — and that ain’t no lie. 

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