Surviving Testing Season Without Tears, Tension, or Test Talk Overload

You want to help your kids do their best at school. However, sometimes parents may be adding pressure without even realizing it. Many people feel today that exam stress and expectations have reached all-time highs, with students and parents often feeling overwhelmed. What can you do to ease anxiety while supporting your kid during exam season? We speak with an expert for some valuable tips.

Experts Agree Testing Pressure at School Has Increased

We reached out to clinical psychologist, mother, and writer Dr. Gilly Kahn for some insight. Kahn specializes in neurodiversity and emotion regulation. She recently published the book, Allow Me to Interrupt: A Psychologist Reveals the Emotional Truth Behind Women’s ADHD. We ask Kahn if she has noticed heightened expectations in school testing in recent years. Kahn tells us, “Yes — I’ve definitely noticed increased internal and external pressure surrounding academic performance and (of course) testing.”

Avoid Adding Unintentional Pressure During Exam Season

Kahn explains that there are ways parents may unintentionally add stress to their children regarding testing expectations. She says, “The family environment can set the stage for how ‘big' or important the child views testing and academic performance to be. The reality is that life is not all about school and work. There is more to life than our careers.”

“Unfortunately, in Western and individualistic cultures, there is this huge emphasis on getting into the most prestigious colleges. In families where the parents attended Ivy League colleges, this pressure is often immediately greater for the child, who wants to make their parents proud by following in their footsteps or by exceeding their accomplishments.”

Kahn says parents should be wary of the following ways that may add undue stress to their child.

Telling their child they ‘know' they’ll ‘definitely' get a good score.

“Parents (understandably) want to instill confidence in their children (or teens), but by telling their child they are ‘sure' they’ll do an amazing job, this can actually put more pressure on the child to avoid disappointing the parent by not meeting the benchmark their parent set. Instead, it’s more helpful to recognize that, as parents, we are not fortune-tellers,” Kahn says.

“Yes, it’s helpful to show your child you love them, and you can tell them you are proud of them for studying (if they are studying). But rather than predicting the future, it may be better to just be honest and realistic with them, for example, by saying something like, ‘I know you’re stressed now, and I understand why you feel that way. It’s important to you that you do well. I want you to know that I’m cheering you on and I’m here to support you and to help you, but sometimes people make mistakes, and that’s okay.”

Instead of setting potentially unrealistic expectations, normalizing failure can make test prep less overwhelming. This shows your child that it's okay if they mess up and you won't be mad at them.

“That does not mean you are telling your child not to study or to give up. It means you want them to succeed because they want to succeed (and if they don’t, that’s a separate issue), but at the end of the day, they are a human being — and human beings are imperfect. And school and work (and this test score) do not define us as humans.”

Directly telling their child they expect them to get a certain score or to get into a high-tier university, and that they will punish them if they do not produce that result.

“This strategy is unhelpful. Overtly placing pressure on your child will most likely lead to problems with anxiety. This type of parenting resembles authoritarian strategies, and it tends to be less common in Western culture.”

If your child tried their best, punishing them for not getting a certain score can be extremely harmful for their self-esteem and mental health.

Comparing their child’s academic performance to that of other children.

“Growing up, my dad used to tell me and my brother to keep our eyes on our own plates whenever we argued about who ‘got more dessert.' Children and teens who are already anxious about their academic performance will naturally want to know how other students in their class/grade are doing. Adding to that stress (instead of talking to their child about how to manage their test anxiety) by comparing their child to other children (including siblings) who are doing better is not helpful.”

On the other hand, if your child doesn't do as well as they hoped, you might give them an example of someone who had a similar experience, according to Kahn.

“Sometimes, if the child is clearly sad because they earned a failing grade, it can be helpful to give an example of someone who also failed or of someone who did worse. This is to help your child feel better about him or herself and to normalize failing — not to put pressure on them to ‘be the best.”

What Does Unhealthy Stress Around Testing Look Like?

As a parent, you might wonder what signs to watch for that your child is experiencing unhealthy levels of anxiety around testing. Kahn explains, “It really depends on the child. For example, some kids react to stress by ‘acting out' (e.g., talking back to their parents or coming off as ‘rude'), by seeming irritable or moody, socially withdrawing, exhibiting perfectionistic behavior (e.g., spending so much time on schoolwork that they do not leave any time for self-care or fun) or by internalizing (holding in or suppressing their anxiety).”

She continues, “From my clinical experience, parents generally have a good ‘Spidey-sense' of what’s going on with their children or when something seems to be different or ‘off.' However, parents cannot know absolutely everything, and there can be behaviors and thoughts that the child hides from their parents.”

Kahn provides some examples, telling us, “Some of the kids I’ve seen in therapy have struggled with managing skin-picking, and this unhelpful behavior (which can be hidden from parents if it’s under clothing) is sometimes a stress-response. Children can engage in body-focused repetitive behaviors (‘BFRBs'; like skin-picking or hair-pulling) as a coping response in an effort to alleviate or suppress feelings of anxiety, but the behavior is unhelpful because (1) they are not dealing with the core issue (like test anxiety) and (2) it is physically damaging their body, and sometimes this can lead to permanent skin-tissue damage.”

However, don't worry if you notice these concerning signs. Kahn says, “The good news is that paving the path for open, accepting, nonjudgmental communication with your child can decrease the chances they will turn to unhelpful coping responses.”

Tips For Communication With Kids About Testing

Experts agree that active listening is key. Kahn says, “The best types of communication skills parents can use (especially with teens) are active (also called reflective) listening and asking open-ended, curious, nonjudgmental questions. Active listening involves holding back on asking questions and, instead, allowing your child to talk freely on their own time, without any pressure. The parent can repeat some of what the child said or paraphrase some of what they said to (1) show they are listening, (2) encourage the child to keep talking, and (3) clarify anything they may have misunderstood.”

She provides an example here:

Teen: “I’m so pissed about the science test tomorrow. Our teacher gave us, like, no time to prepare, and I’m definitely going to fail.” 

“The typical response for parents might be to jump in, asking for details or to reassure the teen that he/she will not fail. Instead of doing this, try saying something like: 

Parent: “You’re right — that’s so incredibly frustrating. I think I would be overwhelmed too if that happened to me.” 

“This statement acknowledges what the teen said and how he/she may be feeling without judging or critiquing it — and it suggests that what they are feeling is totally okay.

“It is okay (and even helpful) to ask your child how they are feeling and what can be done to help them in their situation. Open-ended questions leave room for the other person to give you a flexible answer. Closed-ended (or forced-choice) questions are targeted, and they can come off as accusatory. For example, instead of ‘You haven’t started studying yet?!' parents can ask, ‘What have you done so far to prepare? What’s left to do?' or ‘How can I help?'”  

Reward Your Child For Their Hard Work, Not the Grade

What matters most when it comes to testing is the effort your child puts in, not the test result. Putting too much emphasis on the grade or test result is often what leads to unnecessary pressure and anxiety.

Kahn explains, “Regardless of whether the child thinks he/she did well or not, it’s usually helpful to do something that is rewarding to them (assuming they studied). This is because you are teaching your children to reward themselves for hard work rather than for the outcome. If they love video games, they can reward themselves with a couple of hours of video games. If this was a huge standardized test they studied a lot for, maybe parents can discuss planning a family dinner with their child’s favorite food or at their favorite restaurant.”

Seek Therapy If Anxiety Gets Overwhelming

Don't hesitate to reach out for professional help if you think you and your child need it. It's better to be proactive about getting help and support rather than waiting until your child is really struggling.

Kahn explains, “When test anxiety starts to seep into other areas of life and when it starts to significantly interfere with or stunt their school performance, that may be a good time to seek out therapy.”

Teach Your Kids the Joy of Learning

Finally, we asked Kahn what she wishes parents understood the most about testing and learning. She says, “It’s more helpful to emphasize enjoyment of learning and putting in hard work for things their children really care about than to focus on difficult-to-reach outcomes (e.g., getting into Harvard or even getting straight A's — if that would be really hard for their child). It’s better to focus on the process while praising their children frequently than to focus on the final outcome while criticizing or punishing them.”

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Xavier Lorenzo/Shutterstock.com