This Is How Parents Can Help Kids Build Resilience, According to Mental Health Experts

What is resilience? In toys, it’s an ability to bounce back — like a dented rubber ball returning to its regular shape. Mental resilience is similar, as our brains take setbacks, frustrations, disappointments, change, and misfortune in stride. Are you a person who keeps trying, gets back on the horse, and never gives up? You’ve probably got a healthy dose of resilience inside!

Good for you — developing resilience and teaching it to our kids isn’t easy. It seems harder than ever in the age of anxiety. Mental health concerns are on the rise, with recent data from the CDC reporting that nearly 1 in 5 kids (21%) ages 3-17 have been diagnosed with a mental, emotional, or behavioral health condition at some point.

It's not all discouraging news, though. The same research showed that 82% of children ages 6 months to 5 years usually or always bounce back quickly when things don’t go their way. For the other 18%, how do we help them build mental toughness in a way that’s not psychologically harmful?

Rather than throwing them in the metaphorical pool to see if they sink or swim, mental health experts share some insights with us about fostering resilience in kids. And these tips are beneficial for everyone, regardless of age!

Resilience Isn’t the Same as ‘Toughing it Out’

To determine how to help children build resilience, we speak with several mental health experts. “For children and teens, psychological resilience means that they can effectively adapt and respond to the stressors of life,” Danielle Dellaquila, LMSW, DBT, CBT, REBT, tells Moms Who Think.

“Resilience is very different from ‘toughing it out’ or suppressing emotions, and involves the opposite. Psychological resilience means facing and accepting the realities of the obstacles we are faced with, allowing ourselves to feel, cope with, and express our emotions in effective ways, and making meaning and learning from the difficulties we face.”

Lindsey Yochum, LMFT, clinical director at Attune Counseling Center, also tells us, “Resilience is about being able to face life's challenges and difficult emotions with grace and self-compassion. It's learning how to support yourself during hard moments using coping skills personal to you.”

Toughing it out, on the other hand, is completely different. “[This] is pushing emotions down, bottling them up and avoiding them,” Yochum says. “But a bottle can only hold so much. It is inevitably going to flow over, and it can lead to unhealthy behaviors like drinking and disconnecting from responsibility and people. When the pain gets too big, it is giving up.”

Why Is Anxiety Increasing Right Now?

There are many reasons for the increase in anxiety right now, so we asked our experts to help narrow it down based on what they have seen in their practice.

One thing Dellaquila’s been seeing? “An extreme level of academic-related anxiety in pre-teens and teens in the middle school through high school age group.”

“It seems to be starting earlier and earlier,” Dellaquila says. “There is an extreme amount of pressure that these kids are often putting on themselves. While it can be a very positive thing to have big goals and want to succeed, a lot of these teens are letting the anxiety overtake them, and it really impacts their mood and daily functioning. They become hard on themselves, which then affects their self-esteem, and they often compare themselves to others.”

Of course, social media use doesn’t help anxiety. A slew of research has shown a link between social media use in children and teens and increased anxiety and depression. “Teens compare themselves to others, experience cyberbullying, and are completely distracted by social media and technology,” Dellaquila says.

The state of the world, politics, global crises, and more can also impact our kids, sometimes more than we realize.

How Anxiety Shows Up in Adolescents

Your kid may not act the way you expect if they are experiencing anxiety. Yochum says, “Kids and teen brains are not fully developed and do not have the emotional capacity to explain what they are feeling or what's on their mind.”

Signs of anxiety they might exhibit include anger and frustration at levels that don’t match the problem. “For example, yelling while working on a school project because of perfectionism, feelings of school anxiety, or a learning disability,” Yochum explains.

Dellaquila says that depending on the kid and their age, anxiety can show up differently. “Young kids tend to show it more physically or behaviorally,” Dellaquila shares. “Often, kids with anxiety will complain of stomach aches, which makes sense as the gut is very connected to the brain, and people with anxiety usually struggle with stomach issues. Kids also might display their anxiety through tantrums or crying because they may not know what they are feeling.”

“You will likely see a lot of avoidant behavior from kids experiencing anxiety, specifically about whatever it is that is contributing to their anxiety (if it is school, they may not want to go to school; if it is social, they may not want to be around other kids),” she continues. Kids with anxiety may also be more attached to their parents and become upset if they are separated, which makes back-to-school season a big stressor, too.

“For teens, anxiety or emotional overload may come out through more anger, isolation, or shutting down,” she continues. “If your teen is experiencing anxiety, it may feel hard to get through to them, and it can feel very tough to communicate with them at times.”

How Parents Can Help

Parents should help their kids deal with anxiety and build resilience by listening with compassion and without judgment, says Yochum. “[That] is one of the most healing things a parent can offer a child,” she continues. “It helps the child feel seen, understood, and not alone.”

Yochum suggests encouraging kids to gradually step outside their comfort zone and try something slightly challenging. She explains her experience doing this with her own child, who once had anxiety about elevators. “I didn't let him just use the stairs like he wanted,” she says. “Also, I did not disregard his fears. I wasn't making him go on an elevator up twenty floors by himself. Instead, we started just walking in and out of an elevator with me. We did it enough [times] that we then moved to going up one floor and out again, with me supporting him.”

The key is continuing to practice with your child until they overcome their fears and feel comfortable with the challenge.

Dellaquila says building emotional resilience isn’t just a one-time talk; it can be part of daily conversations. “It can be subtle and lighthearted and doesn't require a big, overwhelming conversation. It may look like asking each kid what one challenge they faced that day was and how they overcame it, and sharing their own experience as well.” You also might help your kids build daily gratitude by asking them to reflect on what they are grateful for.

Model the Behavior You Want to See

The most important thing you can do for your kids is to teach them how to be resilient and overcome their anxiety by modeling it in your own life and your responses to daily stressors.

“If a kid sees their parent becoming emotionally reactive to every stressor they are faced with, they are going to learn that as the norm,” Dellaquila says.

“Parents can model as well as teach emotion regulation by helping their kids recognize and name their emotions, teaching them skills to soothe and regulate themselves (this might include mindfulness skills, deep breathing, or healthy distraction techniques), and then helping them to effectively express their emotions and work through their feelings so that they pass rather than keeping them held in,” she adds.

Overprotecting Doesn’t Help

The tendency for parents is to step in and try to protect their kids from getting hurt, but this can do more harm than good. “Being overprotective or trying to swoop in and solve your kids' problems for them can be harmful because it prevents them from learning to cope with difficulties,” Dellaquila explains.

“Over time, it also gives them the idea that other people will take care of the tough things for them, and can result in them becoming more passive or avoidant of challenges.”

When your child is facing a challenge, the best approach is to consider how you can guide them to solve the problem themselves. Instead of stepping in to save the day, be there to support them while they take the lead in fixing the issue. This approach not only builds confidence but also gives kids and teens a sense of control over their own lives.

After all, the end goal is for our children to learn how to make choices on their own, without getting anxious or needing to rely on their parents’ support.

Yochum says, “You want your child to grow over time. If they avoid what makes them anxious, their comfort level will shrink and make their world very small. Instead, find appropriate challenges and help them through them with support and care.”

Resilience isn’t built overnight. But with intention, open communication, and lots and lots of practice, you can help your kids become the best and strongest version of themselves.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Katrinshine/Shutterstock.com