Do Your Kids Treat You Like a Doormat? Here’s What an Expert Says About Breaking the Cycle

If you feel like others constantly walk all over you, you may have a passive personality type. People with passive personalities tend to avoid conflict at all costs or may let others engage in behaviors that make them uncomfortable. But what happens when a passive person has children and takes a passive role in a parent-child relationship? These parents may begin to feel like they have taken on the role of “doormat mom.”

To gain some insight into what it means to be a doormat mom and how you can break the cycle, we speak with licensed marriage and family therapist Melissa Klass. Klass offers remote therapy throughout California and specializes in relational and psychodynamic therapy.

What Is a “Doormat Mom”?

People can feel like “doormats” in all kinds of relationships, whether it's with friends, family members, or partners. Doormats are people pleasers and may feel that if they do the wrong thing or others grow upset with them, it could lead to rejection. This can lead to self-sacrifice to please others. But in the long term, it may make the person trying to please everyone end up feeling exhausted and resentful. Someone with a “doormat” personality may struggle as a parent with issues like setting firm limits for their children.

Klass tells us, “The hallmark of the ‘doormat' personality is a chronic fear of upsetting others, rooted in an unconscious fear of disconnection.” Klass explains that adults may develop a fear of upsetting those they love. “When keeping the peace becomes a priority,” she says, “we can lose our voice — and our kids ultimately lose a model for healthy boundaries.”

Signs You May Be a Doormat Mom

Klass gives us some key signs people could look out for in themselves or others to indicate if they may have a “doormat” personality. She explains, “People with ‘doormat' traits often wrestle with one core, unconscious question: If I upset you, will you still love me?”

She adds, “In parenting, this can show up as difficulty saying no, setting limits, or allowing a child to feel disappointed or frustrated. More specifically, it might look like allowing disrespectful behavior to go unaddressed, giving in to avoid a tantrum, or feeling guilty for enforcing normal and appropriate boundaries.”

Furthermore, Klass explains, “These parents often over-function to keep the peace — anticipating needs before they’re voiced, smoothing over emotional tension, and minimizing their own needs along the way. They’re not weak. But somewhere along the line, they learned that being liked felt safer than being respected.”

How Does a Passive Parenting Style Affect Children?

To understand how passive parenting may impact children in the short term and long term, we first ned to take a quick look at the different parenting styles.

The Four Main Parenting Styles

Psychologists have identified four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Authoritative parenting style is the gold standard among psychologists as the ideal style for raising children. This style combines firmness with love and warmth. Authoritative parents are flexible, while still being in charge.

Authoritarian parents, on the other hand, have strict rules and use punishment to shape their child's behavior. On the opposite end, neglectful (or uninvolved) parents may fulfill their child's basic needs, but they don't offer much attention or nurturing. And finally, permissive parents are warm and nurturing but may consider themselves their child's best friend rather than taking on the role of a parent. These parents don't enforce the rules, whether it's bedtime, brushing teeth, or doing homework. One thing to note, not every parent sticks to one style all of the time. It's possible to use different styles for different situations.

Permissive Parenting May Lead to Feeling Like a Doormat

Klass explains that passive parenting (or feeling like a doormat) most closely resembles the permissive style. When children are parented with lots of warmth but not much structure, it can lead to problems. Klass says, “Children may learn that boundaries are optional and that emotional regulation isn’t required to get their needs met. This can lead to impulsivity, difficulty managing frustration, or acting out when things don’t go their way.”

Klass tells us in the long-term, children raised with this style may struggle with future relationships and setting healthy boundaries. Additionally, they may feel injustice when confronted with boundaries because they have no experience with them.

What Causes Someone to Develop a Passive Personality?

People with passive personalities may have developed their people-pleasing attitudes early in childhood. Klass explains, “In childhood, staying connected to caregivers is essential to survival, and the dynamics of those early relationships profoundly influence how we relate as adults. What may have once been a life-saving skill — staying in the good graces of those who cared for us — can evolve into patterns that no longer serve us.”

She adds, “If someone grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, or where emotional needs were dismissed or punished, they may have learned to stay small to stay safe. Chronic people-pleasing is a survival strategy rooted in fear — of rejection, of conflict, or of being seen as too much.”

Another factor leading someone into the role of “doormat mom” can be self-esteem. Klass says, “A parent who doesn’t fully trust their own worth may look to their child for validation, seeking closeness at the expense of authority.”

How to Break the Cycle

Klass's first piece of advice for parents who think they may be engaging in passive parenting is not to be judgmental of themselves. If you think you're falling into these patterns of behavior, it's helpful to explore why without judgment.

She suggests parents ask themselves questions such as, “What am I afraid will happen if I say no? What does it mean about me if my child is upset with me? Am I seeking peace — or am I avoiding conflict?”

It doesn't have to change all at once, Klass told us that even “micro-moments” can help get things turned around. If you feel your child is disrespecting you, she said you can start by saying something like, “I love you too much to let you speak to me that way,” or “It’s okay that you’re upset. I’m still saying no.”

According to the Mayo Clinic, a helpful way to set limits for older children is to let them be a part of the decisions. For example, when planning family dinners, older children and even younger children can get involved in helping to plan what's for dinner. You may want your child to eat their vegetables, but giving them the choice to decide which vegetable they eat and how they are prepared can help them feel they have some control, while still following healthy boundaries.

Experts agree it's easiest to set the rules ahead of time so you and your child have clear expectations. If you make up the rules as you go, it's difficult to be consistent, and much harder to stand firm if you've set a limit that changes.

It's Okay to Ask For Help

And finally, Klass reminds us, you don't have to do this on your own. Whether you seek support from a therapist or a trusted friend, having someone to talk to can help validate your feelings.

Parenting is hard work. Klass explains it this way, “Parenting requires that we re-parent ourselves in real time. It’s a profound process of growth, self-discovery, and healing — one that deserves space, even amid the daily chaos of raising little ones. Whatever your parenting style or tendencies, this is likely the hardest job you’ll ever do. Be sure to care for yourself, so you can care for them. As they say: Please secure your oxygen mask before helping others.”

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