Does Gentle Parenting Work for Parents of Teens? Here’s How It May Affect Your Kid

Gentle parenting, often favored by Millennial and Gen Z parents, is a style of parenting that emphasizes understanding, mutual respect, empathy, and boundaries. Instead of using rewards and punishments to get kids to behave in the ways parents want, gentle parents often engage in conversations and try to coach their children toward positive outcomes. This all seems nice, but how effective is it for teenagers?

What Gentle Parenting Isn't

There is a distinct difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Permissive parents have few rules, bribe children with rewards to do chores, and often don't discipline or correct children when they have done something wrong. Children raised by permissive parents have few boundaries and usually show little regard for how their actions impact others.

Gentle parenting, on the other hand, encourages parents working with children to set age-appropriate boundaries and expectations. Instead of allowing a child to throw a temper tantrum at daycare drop-off, causing a parent to be late for work, gentle parents will explain the expectation of drop-off to their child ahead of time. The child then tries to comply with the expected behavior by parting with their parent without making a scene. The focus is on building a relationship based on mutual respect between the child and the parent.

Why Gentle Parenting Can Be Harder with Teens, and How to Do It

Between the ages of 13 and 15, children often go through many emotional changes. Transitioning to high school, dating, new friendships, and expectations in sports and other extracurricular activities can make managing emotions difficult, and parents may be tempted to back off from their attempts at gentle parenting and try a different approach.

Experts urge parents not to give up on the gentle parenting approach if it becomes more difficult during the teen years. Gentle parenting can be done in small steps, such as suggesting that your high schooler might want to do their homework now so they can go out on the weekend, rather than demanding that they do their homework.

If you haven't already, set up guidelines and expectations with your teen. These should be logical, and any consequences should relate to the mistakes made. For example, discuss that if they don't make it home by curfew, they may not be allowed to go out next weekend. Or if they don't finish all of their homework, they won't be allowed to continue playing video games.

Discuss with your teen why you are setting up these rules before any incidents occur so that any consequences seem logical and fair to both parties. Gentle parenting focuses on interpersonal relationships rather than control. You can explain to your teen that when they stay out too late, it causes you to worry. Or that you want them to do well in school so they can have a good job later. This shows kids that what they do has an impact on you, and they should take certain actions as a courtesy to others around them.

What To Do When It Isn't Working

Sometimes, teens will break rules anyway, and even the gentlest of parents will still want to raise their voices or dole out punishments. If you lose your cool in the heat of the moment, gentle parenting allows you to apologize to your teen and admit your mistake.

Many teens who were raised in an understanding way will follow their parents' example and forgive their parents for their error. Focus on connecting and creating a personal relationship with your teen as they grow into an adult, instead of punishing them for doing something wrong.

In addition to helping raise considerate and understanding teens, gentle parenting throughout the teen years can also have an impact on their mental health. According to Inner Strength Education, about 32% of teens suffer from anxiety, and 13% have symptoms of depression. By parenting through conversations instead of yelling, parents can reduce the risk of mental illnesses. This also ensures teens know they have someone to talk to if and when these symptoms do arise.

Criticisms of Gentle Parenting for Teens

Many people think that gentle parenting can be emotionally exhausting for parents and caregivers. The gentle parenting philosophy requires constant explanations of why we do or do not do things, and kids aren't always willing to listen. It also takes the “because I said so” phrase out of a parent's toolkit.

Gentle parenting may not work for every family. While it's nice to think that if we're calm and empathetic, our kids will still follow directions and never get in trouble, that's just not realistic for some kids. There is also limited scientific evidence on whether gentle parenting is the best approach.

It Doesn't Have to Be Either/Or

If you choose to implement a gentle parenting approach with your teen, you don't have to be emotionally attached all the time. It's okay to step away from an argument when you get frustrated or to take punitive action if your child is doing something dangerous or illegal. Parents should use their best judgment on when to use gentle parenting and when to combine it with authoritative parenting to get the best outcome for their family.

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