Don’t Talk to Your Kids About Consent Without Reading These Expert Tips

Consent, by definition, is to grant permission or approval, and it's an awkward thing to discuss. It's even more uncomfortable when the conversation is between you and your child. Fears will surely arise when your child is old enough to understand what consent means. Some parents might even view it as a necessary evil. Without it, you risk sending your child into a world without boundaries. With it, your child is armed with the knowledge that they can say “no” and mean it. But the question is this: how do you start such a critical dialogue? And even more, how do you ensure your child understands without feeling uncomfortable? We spoke with several experts who know precisely what to do when the time comes.

Start the Conversation Early

Dr. Erica Rozmid, board-certified clinical psychologist and founder of Clarity CBT & DBT Center in Los Angeles, advises tackling consent as early as possible. “Consent is something you can teach as early as one year old. As a parent and psychologist, I teach my young children about consent in terms of touching their bodies in a platonic way,” she explains.

“For example, before my daughter pours water on her younger brother’s head, I’ll prompt her: ‘Did you ask if that’s okay with him?' At just three years old, she’s already grasped the idea of asking for permission before doing something that involves another person.”

Dr. Rozmid encourages parents to go beyond sexual consent. By using examples of physical consent in everyday life, you can teach your children at an earlier age. “For example, if your child does something that makes you uncomfortable, let them know: ‘I don’t like the way you hit my arm. Next time, please use your words instead of touching my body,” she says.

Dr. Rozmid also emphasizes using real-life examples from your own life. This is two-fold: it shows your child that even adults set boundaries, and also provides a road map. “You can model effective ways to assert themselves in daily life that can set them up for success when they are older teens,” says Dr. Rozmid.

The Words You Use Make a Difference

When preparing to have a conversation about consent, Dr. Rozmid believes that being straightforward is best. “When they are younger, you can be more explicit and let them know that no one is allowed to touch certain body parts,” she explains. Using anatomical names while your child is still young helps them become comfortable with the terminology.

Saying something like, “No one is allowed to touch your vagina or penis, except when Mommy or Daddy is changing your diaper. And even then, we only use a wipe a few times. Other people are not allowed to touch you there. Please tell me if anyone ever does,” is direct, but reassuring.

The conversation can, and should, evolve as your child gets older. As their curiosity grows and puberty hits, they'll need different advice and likely stronger guidance. “Younger children can understand the idea of consent and appropriate touch from a young age, and as they get older, you can adapt the conversation to include more about their personal desires for intimacy,” says Dr. Rozmid.

Set an Example: How to Make Your Child Feel Comfortable

Courtney Morgan is a licensed counselor and the founder of Counseling Unconditionally. With experience in empowering children and teens, she's more than familiar with uncomfortable conversations.

“It’s completely normal for parents to feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their kids, and it’s an incredibly important conversation to have,” says Morgan. “I encourage all parents to spend time considering how to approach these conversations with their children, and pay special attention to topics that bring up feelings of discomfort. I’ve found that teens pick up on the mood of their parent, and if the parent is feeling uncomfortable or anxious, the teen will also feel that discomfort.”

Morgan recommends that parents first recognize the goal of the conversation before jumping into a dialogue. This could be to educate, open a line of communication, or create a general connection. “Understanding why you’re having these conversations is a good place to start. If you’re unsure, I typically recommend simply initiating a discussion about teens and sex, and allowing the conversation to flow from there,” says Morgan.

Her advice? Start the conversation off by simply being honest about the discomfort and normalizing it.

How to Lead the Conversation

Leading the conversation may sound like, “Hey, I want to talk with you about something. It may be a little uncomfortable, but it’s important to me that you have accurate information to feel confident in sexual situations. I know a lot of teens your age are starting to experiment with sex. What are your thoughts about that?” she says, adding that teens are sometimes reluctant to share their feelings.

Morgan also stresses that talking about consent doesn't need to be a one-and-done conversation. “I believe that these conversations are most effective when it’s an ongoing discussion rather than a one-and-done conversation,” she says.

“Even if you don’t get out all of the information you hope to share, remember that there will be more conversations to be had in the future.”

Morgan believes that making the conversation relatable is another way to connect with your child. Sharing a personal experience or an anecdote may bridge that discomfort, making them feel seen and heard. To make this easier, she provided a prompt that parents can use:

“I remember when I was your age, some of my friends felt really comfortable doing things that made me feel nervous. It was important to me that I stuck to my personal boundaries. Everyone has their own unique set of boundaries, and it may be useful for you to start thinking about yours, so if you’re ever in a tricky situation, you have an idea of what you’re comfortable with. Always remember that you can change your mind at any time.”

Leave the Conversation Open-Ended

The more conversations you have with your child, the more normal it will start to feel. By leaving the conversation open, you'll encourage positive communication moving forward. Sometimes, all a teen needs is to know you're comfortable with them speaking to you about anything — including consent. “You may say something like, ‘This won’t be the last time we talk about this. I’m always here if you have any questions, or if there’s anything you’d like to talk about,” Morgan advises.

One thing parents should steer clear of, she stresses, is shame-talking. “It’s important for parents to remember that it is developmentally appropriate and normal for teens to begin to experiment sexually, and by shaming them, we are not creating a comfortable space for your teen to ask questions,” Morgan says.

To this, she adds that parents should avoid judgmental statements like, “I can't believe so-and-so is doing that,” or “any teen that does that is disgusting.” Maintaining a safe space is crucial, especially when the topic is so sensitive.

Final Expert Tips for a Successful Talk

The most important thing when it comes to talking about consent is being able to hold space for your child. Making room for their feelings, thoughts, and concerns is crucial. Jessica Plonchak, LCSW, Executive Clinical Director at ChoicePoint Health, spoke with us to provide a full checklist for every parent. From start to finish, this is what she recommends parents keep in mind:

1. Start early & stay consistent: Conversations or discussions about consent should not be done only once, twice, or occasionally. Begin with age-appropriate lessons and keep reminding them about it. As parents, you need to stay gentle and consistent in teaching them about consent and boundaries, and expand your lessons as they grow and mature.
2. Don't just talk about it, show them too: Children are more likely to learn by example, and parents are their first role models. Show them in small ways that no matter what, respect comes first, and setting limits is essential.
3. Take real-life situations & teach: One of the handy tips to teach about boundaries is asking your child open-ended questions. As an example, take this: “What would you do if a friend pressurizes you to share something you are not comfortable talking about?” These kinds of discussions help teens practice safety and advocate for themselves.
4. Make them feel comfortable in saying NO: Usually, people do not say NO out of fear of displeasing others, and the same is the case with teens and tweens. Knowing this, it is a parent's responsibility to reassure them. Saying no to anything that makes them uneasy without fear or guilt is not an act of shame.

When it comes to consent, Plonchak stresses that sensitivity and understanding are key. “Make sure that while practicing these or any tips, avoid using tactics that can cause anxiety in them and shatter their confidence,” she says.

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