As a kid, I remember having a friend whom my parents visibly didn’t like and always complained about after she left. It was awkward and made me feel bad, which is why I promised myself I wouldn’t do the same to my own future kids’ friends. Now that I’m a mom of three, however, I kind of get it.
My kids — especially the elementary-aged ones — have made some downright annoying friends over the years. Some have taught them foul language or encouraged them to beg for video games, shows, and other content that isn’t age-appropriate. Some randomly show up at our house after school to hang out and raid our snacks, while others constantly want to connect with them online. It’s exhausting!
What am I supposed to do as their mom? I know from experience that telling kids you don’t like their friends is not the answer, but what if I really, really don’t like their friends? We connect with two family therapists to get more information on how to deal with your kids’ unlikeable, annoying, and/or downright bad influence friends, and I recommend bookmarking this for whenever you need to hear their advice again.
I Don’t Like My Child’s Friend. Now What?
It's important to let your kids have control over choosing their friendships.
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First of all, remember that kids have the right to choose their own friends — even if you find those peers tiresome.
“Children need the experience of making choices,” Jennifer Lytle, LMFT, and founder of Joyful Journeys Counseling in Texas, tells us. “This includes choices we disagree with or choices that may cause discomfort for us as parents.”
Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, director of Family Programs of All in Solutions in Florida, New Jersey, and California, agrees. “Kids need some autonomy when it comes to choosing friends,” Dr. Foglia tells us. “Research on child development tells us that kids learn in significant ways from peers and friendships about social skills, conflict resolution, and judgment. Parents should lead, not micromanage, when possible.”
This is one of the hardest things parents have to do — especially because we are used to having so much influence and control over our children’s lives in their first few years. It’s all part of setting them up for life as independent, free-thinking individuals.
“Parenting is not about creating a perfect life for our children,” Lytle says, adding that a perfect life is unrealistic, unsustainable, and unhealthy anyway because there is no balance.
“Parenting is not about forcing our children to employ or accept our will,” she continues. “There are very few times when the parent should be forceful about a preference, choice, or even boundaries.”
It's Okay to Set Boundaries Around Your Children’s Friendships
Speaking of boundaries, those are definitely okay to set for your home, no matter who it's about. Even if you aren’t necessarily worried about harm coming to your child because of their friendship, it’s still within your right as a parent to set boundaries around when and how your kid hangs out with a friend. Lytle suggests trying your best to be amenable to requests for play dates or party invites for this friend, while setting limits.
“Visit a public area like a library or park instead of meeting at one another's homes,” she says. “Set a time limit beforehand and communicate it openly with both your child and the other party. Be kind. Be gracious. You will need others to do the same for your child at some point in the future. Also, if the answer is no, simply state so.”
Examples of what to say include, “We can go to the park, but we do not go to [friend's] home,” and “We can visit for one hour, but we will leave after the cake.”
You can also set rules, such as not allowing your child’s friend to come over on school nights or not permitting sleepovers or other types of hangouts you are uncomfortable with, without directly forbidding the friendship.
When to Step in and Say Something
No matter what your kid thinks about a friendship, at the end of the day, parents have to choose the safest option for their kids. Sometimes, this involves ending a friendship altogether if it is harmful instead of just annoying or otherwise unlikable.
“Of course, you should intervene when a friendship begins to become a regular source of harm,” Dr. Foglia says. “Look for signals of bullying, coercion, exclusion, dangerous behavior, pressure to break rules, attitude changes, or sulking, trickery, lying, and a pattern of disrespect for personal property.”
“The aim is not to control friendships but to protect safety and healthy development,” she adds.
How to Intervene in Your Kid's Social Circles
According to Lytle, concerns about physical safety or psychological dangers are the only times it's appropriate to fully step in and intervene in your child’s friendship. “This is rare,” she continues. “Do so after your child has tried on their own for some time to sort out navigating difficult relationships.”
If this is the only path forward, Lytle recommends waiting until a time you are in control of your emotions and are able to articulate clearly why you are doing this, what boundary has been crossed, or what serious concerns are present. This might look like saying something like this: “I feel upset about what I saw. Let's talk about this [Friday, after school; tonight, after dinner] so I can have time to think more clearly.”
Don't start a conversation with your child about friendships when you are in a bad mood.
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She explains, “This can go a long way in being a safe space, which is exactly what your child needs, more than your direction or advice.”
However, if you just want a conversation about a friend you don’t like (which isn’t necessarily harmful, just concerning), you can approach it differently.
“All of life, and good parenting, is about balance,” Lytle explains. “When our child befriends someone whom you do not like, find some time to be curious about your feelings, beliefs, and own them. If absolutely necessary, and if your child is capable of handling this honest and direct information, it might be okay to say something along the lines of, ‘I am not fond of [friend] because [concrete and scaled-down example of hurtful behavior.]”
Afterward, be sure to follow this up by saying something like, “And it's okay for you to make friends your own way. I'm here.”
Teach Your Kids These Red (and Green!) Flags in Friendships
In addition to the obvious (hitting or physically hurting others), teach your kids these behavioral red flags to look for in their friendships, according to Lytle and Dr. Foglia.
- An inability to control oneself (screaming as a repeated behavior)
- Talking poorly about others frequently
- Betraying a confidence
- Rude speech (often a first sign of rude behavior)
- Lying
- Stealing
- A habit of putting each other down
- Manipulative treatment
- Exclusion
- Gossiping about others
- Controlling behavior
- Friendships that keep the child anxious or “on guard”
On the other hand, some green flags of a good friend include:
- Kind
- Respectful
- Trustworthy
- Willing to hold each other accountable for their actions
- Disagreeing without expecting pushback or cruelty
How to Talk to Kids About Making Friends
Making friends is one of those ongoing discussion topics parents should have with their kids, whether or not you’re dealing with a friendship you don’t like. Start by examining yourself and your own motivations. Dr. Foglia suggests, “Parents don’t have to like every friend their child chooses to hang out with, but they should be curious before they are judgmental.”
When your child has a friend, you can ask them questions like, “What do you like about [this friend]?” instead of saying, “Don’t hang out with them.” “That discussion often reveals the needs and values of the child, as well as the group dynamics that parents often miss,” Dr. Foglia explains.
From there, continue to lean into your child’s values and what they want out of a friendship. “Ask your child, ‘Think about your friends. How can you tell what you really believe about yourself when you think about how they treat you?’ or ‘What do you think makes someone a good friend?’” she says. “Questions like these are useful because they prompt reflection without putting a child immediately on the defensive.”
Prioritize a connection with your child (and not bashing a certain friend) when talking about friendships.
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You want this conversation to be open and non-judgmental, whether it's about a potential future friend or a very real friend. “One of the most important things we can do is to stay connected and open,” Dr. Foglia says. “If you are too controlling and judgmental with something like friendships, kids will not be open and share their friends with you, and you can lose your influence and credibility with the child.”
The most important thing to remember is that friendships may be temporary, but you want your bond with your child to last forever. “You want to preserve your relationship and connection between yourself and your child, so it is preferable to minimize vocal objections and obvious actions against the friendship,” Lytle says.
“Without harping endlessly, have casual discussions about what characteristics are evident in good relationships or in people who make your child feel safe, healthy, cared for, loved, or positive,” Lytle continues. You can start these conversations through children’s books or movies that touch on friendships. “This hopefully will segue into a conversation where you can focus on, not the specific friend, but what good friendships feel like [or] look like.”
By having these honest conversations, letting your child know you are a safe person to come to, and not controlling their friendships, your child will learn how to make good, healthy friendships. And that's a lesson that will continue to benefit them for the rest of their lives.
The image featured at the top of this post is ©AnnaStills/Shutterstock.com