Relational Aggression Can Ruin Lives. Here’s How to Deal With It as a Parent.

As a parent, you send your child off to school with the hope that they’ll form strong friendships and, of course, get a good education, too. And for a while, things are great—your child has a bestie they do everything with, and they’re getting all A’s in their classes. Then one day, you notice that your child hasn’t been acting the same; they’re sullen, angry, and want to be alone. So what’s causing the shift? Relational aggression might be the reason.

What is Relational Aggression?

Relational aggression is something that almost everyone experiences at some point in their lives. But what is it? “Relational aggression is a form of emotional or social bullying where someone uses relationships to hurt others — like excluding someone, spreading rumors, giving the silent treatment, or manipulating friendships,” says Dr. Aerial Cetnar, Ph.D., a licensed professional counselor in Boulder, CO.

Although it can show up at any age, relational aggression often begins in late elementary or early middle school, according to Dr. Rebecca Weksner, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Westford, MA. Unfortunately, it can escalate over time and become more subtle, sophisticated, and even dangerous as kids get older.

Examples of Relational Aggression in Kids

While it’s not always easy to spot, relational aggression can deeply affect children, and in some instances, well into adulthood. In young children, it may look like teasing or name-calling, for example.

“Common examples include a friend threatening to stop being friends unless certain conditions are met, being told they can’t sit with a certain group at lunch, spreading gossip or rumors to isolate someone, or creating group chats that intentionally exclude someone,” says Cetnar. 

And then along comes middle school, where relational aggression can amp up. “In middle school, it might be snarky comments about an outfit, or making a friend feel bad for seeking help from an adult,” adds Weksner. “Other examples include name-calling, body shaming, or leaving hurtful comments online.”

How to Recognize the Signs of Relational Aggression

Even if you're close with your kid, they may not openly share what they're going through. Kids can internalize this behavior, think it's normal, or be too embarrassed to admit that they’re being bullied. “Kids don’t always tell us what’s wrong,” says Cetnar. “But their behavior often speaks for them — like secrecy around screen time or distress after being online.”

According to Weksnar, signs of relational aggression may include:

• Increased irritability or clinginess
• Withdrawal from social activities
• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
• Acting out before spending time with certain friends
• Complaints of headaches or stomachaches with no medical explanation

How You Can Help Your Child Deal with Relational Aggression

Your child may seem moody or withdrawn, and sure, that could be a sign of puberty. But you should speak with your child to see if there’s something bigger bothering them. The thing is, relational aggression isn’t an easy topic to talk about, so be sure to tread lightly and approach the issue from a position of well-intentioned interest. 

“Assume a posture of curiosity,” advises Weksner. “Avoid lecturing or criticizing their friends. Your goal is to understand your child’s perspective — not push your own.”

Here are some ways to support them:

• Ask open-ended questions and truly listen.
• Reflect what you hear, validating their feelings even if they don’t fully express them.
• Teach them emotional vocabulary — words like “left out,” “angry,” or “embarrassed.”
• Share your own experiences, if appropriate, so they know they're not alone.
• Role-play difficult conversations, helping them find assertive but respectful ways to respond (e.g., “I don’t like when you talk about me like that.”)

What to Do If the Relational Aggression Continues

Sometimes relational aggression stops once it’s addressed, and sometimes, it doesn’t. If it continues, you’ll need to be more proactive to put a stop to it, once and for all. Before Mamma Bear mode gets activated, though, be sure to involve your child in the solution.

“Ask how they’d like to resolve it,” Weksner says. “Giving them a say restores a sense of control and helps build confidence.”

Regardless of which route you take, it’s worth documenting specific incidents, especially if they’re happening at school. “If the behavior persists, don’t hesitate to speak up,” says Cetnar. “Your child deserves to feel safe.” Above all, let your child know this isn’t their fault. The behavior reflects poorly on the aggressor, not them.

When to Seek Professional Help

Relational aggression can cause deep emotional wounds. If it’s not addressed, it can result in:

• Significant mood or appetite changes.
• Trouble sleeping.
• Declining academic performance or school avoidance.
• Loss of interest in favorite activities.
• Social withdrawal.
• Low self-esteem and chronic anxiety.
• Difficulty trusting others.

If you notice these signs, speak to your pediatrician to rule out any potential medical causes. They might recommend a therapist who can help your child process their feelings, build confidence, and develop healthy relationship skills.

Relational aggression might not leave physical scars, but the emotional wounds can be just as lasting. With your support, your child can learn to recognize toxic behavior, advocate for themselves, and build stronger, healthier friendships.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©shironosov / iStock via Getty Images.