I Can’t Stand My Child’s Best Friend. What Do I Do?

When kids are little, parents have a lot of control over who they spend their time with. Toddlers won't ask for playdates but are generally happy to play with others, regardless of who they are. When your kid is small, it's easy to set up playdates for them. You can have a chat with other parents and enjoy yourself while the kids play. However, once kids move beyond the toddler years, they start forming their own opinions about who they want to spend time with.

Everything changes when your child starts to grow up and explore friendships independently. Around the time your child heads to preschool, they begin to learn the social skills needed to make genuine friendships – and there may come a time when you're unsure about one of your child's friends. Perhaps they are a bad influence or have a foul mouth. Or maybe it's just your instinct warning you that something is off.

We spoke to certified parent educator and coach, Sari Goodman, about the dynamics of childhood friendships and how, as parents, we can help our kids form healthy ones.

At What Age Do Kids Start to Form Their Own Friendships?

Sari tells Moms Who Think that children can't learn to be friends until they are old enough to understand the idea of sharing and taking turns. Before that age, it's best to supervise their interactions with others to help guide and teach them. The exact age at which a child develops the ability to share and take turns can vary. Research has shown that children, even as young as 18 months of age, can learn to share, but they need the help of an adult to do so.

So what do you do when your older child chooses a friend that you're not sure about? For whatever reason, you hesitate to let your kid spend time with this other child. Sari explains that your hesitation probably has more to do with the parents than with the child.

You may disagree with another's parenting style, leading to reservations about letting your child spend time with their new friend. For example, one child may take another child's toy, but the other parent, rather than correcting the child, will defend their actions. This can lead to you not wanting your child to spend time with that friend, even though it has more to do with the parent's choices.

Sari explains, “Kids are just figuring out the world, and they are trying things out that aren't socially acceptable.” She continues, “It's the adults in their lives that teach them, wait a minute, that's not socially acceptable.” It's this correction that helps the child learn self-regulation skills in the future and, therefore, become a better friend.

Should You Stop Your Child From Seeing Kids You Don't Like?

If your child wants to see a friend that you are unsure of, should you tell your child no or let the friendship play out? You don't have to end the friendship, but you can keep some level of control.

Sari recommends letting your child spend time with the friend, but let it be on your terms. This works especially well for young children. You can invite the child to your house for a playdate. This way, if you see the child acting in unacceptable ways, you can step in. For example, if the child jumps on your couch, you can say, “In this house, we don't jump on couches.” Allowing your child's friend to come over to your house means you can set the ground rules and reinforce any boundaries if necessary.

How Do Children Benefit From Forming Healthy Friendships?

Research has shown us that childhood friendships lead us to develop social skills that we use for the rest of our lives. And it doesn't seem to matter whether a child has lots of friends or one good friend. Even just one reciprocal friendship can be beneficial for healthy development.

Sari tells Moms Who Think, “Healthy friendships mean you can get along with all different kinds of people, with all different personalities.” When adults can get along with those who are different, it can lead to better work relationships and make it easier to connect with others in diverse populations. From being able to work on teams to being comfortable with conflict and knowing how to work out ideas, these people are also more open to new ideas and experiences.

How to Help Your Child Form Positive Friendships

If you're concerned about your child's friendships, one way to find out what's going on is to play the role of detective. In one example, Sari suggests taking your child to the park and observing how your child approaches others. Perhaps your child is more comfortable playing with one child than a group. In this case, you can take the child's lead and help them foster one-on-one friendships rather than group play.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock.com.