Puberty is one of the most challenging things to go through as a tween. For girls, fights with friends or failed tests are nothing compared to mood swings, body changes, and the anxious anticipation of their period. This time is filled with so much uncertainty, confusion, and even fear that's not only felt by girls, but by parents as well.
When you see the first signs that your baby girl is going through it, your thoughts might start racing. You feel wholly unprepared — and that's normal! It's also why we spoke to an expert in the field so you know exactly what to expect. Here's how to navigate puberty confidently with your daughter.
Navigating the Relationship Between Daughter and Parent
We spoke to Shayna Barksdale, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), founder of Austin Therapy for Girls, and author of Pink Chaos, about the dynamic between teens and moms during puberty. Conversations about puberty can still feel taboo and tainted by a negative stigma – but this makes these conversations even more critical. Girls grow up at a faster rate in today's world, and experts are noticing this change, too.
“These days, many girls are starting to develop breasts and other signs of puberty as early as 6 or 7 — and no one knows why. What we do know is that there’s a correlation between the early onset of puberty and higher rates of depression and anxiety, as well as lower self-esteem and poorer body image,” explains Barksdale.
Despite being educated on menses, she says many clients still hide that they've started their cycle from their parents. While there's never a concrete answer as to why, Barksdale says feeling different from their peers and not wanting to be judged has something to do with it.
This can also cause tension in the relationships between moms and daughters. Barksdale points out they may even be experiencing hormonal changes together.
“The bottom line — as tween girls enter puberty at younger ages, this significantly impacts many areas of their lives, causing their emotions to feel more intense, especially regarding friendships and the desire to fit in,” she says. “Simultaneously, mothers are beginning to experience perimenopause, which also intensifies their emotional experiences. That means the mother-daughter relationship, already one with stormy waters, can also be affected by the shifts in hormones of both tweens and their moms, leaving everyone feeling overwhelmed. This can feel a lot like being on a roller coaster — full of ups and downs and unexpected twists and turns.”
Children might favor one parent over the other as this mother-daughter dynamic changes. It's not uncommon but does require understanding and, above all, patience.
Encouraging Confidence During Puberty, Despite Society's Rules
According to Barksdale, research showsthe number of girls describing themselves as confident declines more than 25 percent throughout middle school. She adds from 2017 to 2023, researchers showed a 13 percent drop in girls’ confidence, with fifth-grade girls experiencing the biggest decline.
“Puberty certainly accounts for some of these confidence challenges. However, girls also receive intense messaging — from media and society — but also from family members or other adults in their world who have received this same messaging regarding ideal body shape, size, and image,” explains Barksdale.
Social media hasn't done teenage girls any favors when it comes to accepting, loving, and embracing who they are. Sadly, this is reflected during puberty, which is already the most vulnerable phase of a girl's life.
“It’s also important to note that a growth spurt usually happens right before a girl’s first period, and while she’ll gain strength and coordination, her body will also gain fat in new or different areas, which could bring on body issues,” Barksdale says.
Parents should pay attention to sudden changes in their daughter's mood or confidence, especially surrounding body image.
“While body image is only one aspect of girls’ confidence, I think the complexity of this issue helps show how much girls are navigating these days,” Barksdale explains. “And, like so many things, it's showing up earlier and earlier. I hear statements like, ‘when I look in the mirror, all I see is that my thighs are just too big' from girls as young as third grade.”
Parents may not be pressuring their daughters, but it doesn't mean they don't feel it from other places. Barksdale reveals that societal pressure can come from unexpected places: sports, grades, or social media. “It is crucial for parents to monitor external messaging, particularly for daughters aged 9 to 12. Create an environment where daughters feel comfortable sharing with their caregivers about the messages they encounter,” says Barksdale.
In a study conducted by Dove, nine in 10 girls followed accounts on social media that made them feel “less beautiful.” Add to this staggering 90%, another 56% of girls polled admitted that they feel “unable to live up to those unrealistic beauty standards.”
A whopping 80% of girls expressed a desire to have open communication with their parents about managing toxic beauty standards. Barksdale not only agrees with this but encourages it. “It's essential to address moments when they [girls] begin to judge themselves. This open communication is key to fostering their self-esteem.” She also offers these tips:
Guide your daughter in reality-checking the messages she receives to strengthen the “bounce back” factor
Educate your daughter on how companies modify and create idealized (unrealistic) standards, then empower her to critically evaluate the media
Encourage your daughter to question what she sees and hears, fostering an understanding that not everything presented is a reflection of reality
“This awareness can help her build resilience against societal pressures and develop a healthier self-image,” says Barksdale.
Empowering the Mother-Daughter Dynamic During Puberty
The relationship between moms and daughters goes through many ups and downs when puberty hits. It's not always pretty, but it can be withstood and even empowered in many ways.
“In my practice, I frequently observe that the biggest influence on young girls — particularly regarding their body image and perception of weight — comes from their mothers. Therefore, it's an important moment for moms of daughters to reflect on their own body relationships and the messages they may be conveying,” Barksdale says. She adds that caregivers play a crucial role in helping their daughters navigate these changes.
“Children are like sponges, absorbing not only what caregivers say about their bodies but also paying close attention to how their mothers discuss their own body image. One of our favorite lessons at Austin Therapy for Girls is to remind caregivers of the Brené Brown quote ‘Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.' When it comes to our bodies we must talk to our bodies with respect. Our daughters are listening.”
Shayna Barksdale
Talking Friendships, Menstruation, and Taboo Topics
Menstruation is a topic that still feels taboo for many even though it's a normal part of life. We asked Barksdale when parents should start this conversation with their daughters, and her answer was reassuring: “‘Never too early' is the motto of most parenting experts,” Barksdale says. “Begin teaching your daughter about her body parts at a very early age. Then, once the groundwork is established, talking about menstruation becomes less intimidating.”
Once again, sensitivity will play a crucial role in the dynamic between parents — especially moms — and their daughters. “Empathy is the key for any caregiver who is helping their daughter navigate puberty. Caregivers can show empathy in particular by validating the feelings of the daughter. For example, stating that you understand that they might not feel their best physically or mentally during that time of the month,” says Barksdale.
Relating to your daughter reinforces an understanding of what she's going through, and strengthens the connection she has when seeking comfort during difficult times.
However, Barksdale also cautions that parents should also be prepared to deal with the opposite. Tweens seeking comfort from their friends or peers is not uncommon. This can coincide with menses and all that comes with it, so it's normal for your daughter to crave more space.
“Tweens are going to pull away from their moms, and friendships are going to start to become very important for tweens. That’s normal. Friendships are important and can improve and encourage better mental health,” she says, adding these same friendships can also be a source of anxiety and future mental health problems.
“There is a myth of the Forever BFF, but the truth is that friendships come and go. Over time, we all grow and change in different ways, and we need to teach our daughters to understand and even expect that.”
It's tough for a parent to explain this and even watch it happen, but it's simply part of growing up. As a parent, you may struggle in knowing what is too much when it comes to helping and guiding your daughter through this time. Barksdale explains that knowing when to step in depends on several factors. “The approach may vary based on the issue and your daughter's age. Generally, it's advisable to allow her to navigate friendship challenges independently. Nevertheless, as a caregiver, your role is to provide a safe place to land for her to turn to when these difficulties occur — and they will.”
