The Low Fertility Fight: How to Navigate the Negativity When You’re Struggling to Stay Motivated

It's estimated that more than 10% of women worldwide experience fertility issues. This number may seem low, but it affects roughly 409 million women who are trying to become mothers. When you look at it this way, it's a staggering statistic that hits far closer to home. For some, like myself, reproductive disorders such as endometriosis, PCOS, and premature ovarian failure stand in the way. And even more infuriating are the infertility issues that seem to have no cause at all.

With that being said, low fertility and infertility are not the end of your story. Many women go on to become pregnant, have healthy pregnancies, and give birth to the family they have always dreamed of. It's a fight to get there, but it's a battle that can be won. We speak with Abbe Feder, Founder of InCircle Fertility, to learn how to remain strong and motivated.

When the Urge to Hate Your Body Becomes Real

Guilt is all too common among moms struggling to become pregnant. It's easy to blame ourselves, especially when society puts so much pressure on women to have children. Not only is this unhelpful, but it can also lead to dangerous thought patterns that force us to believe the worst.

“The biggest emotional hurdle is the loss of trust in your own body, and the constant fear of not knowing if this will ever happen,” Feder tells us. “When you’re diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis or PMDD, you’re suddenly living in a body that feels unpredictable. You can do all the ‘right' things: track, supplement, exercise, and still not get the outcome you hoped for. That erodes confidence. It creates self-doubt. It makes women question whether their body is betraying them.”

Feder says that underneath all of that is a more terrifying question: “Is this ever going to work?“

“That fear is relentless. It shows up at baby showers, on social media, and at 2 AM when everyone else is asleep. It’s about the existential uncertainty of whether motherhood is in your future at all. And layered on top of that is comparison. It’s watching other people get pregnant accidentally, easily, quickly. That contrast can feel brutal,” she emphasizes.

“What I see most often isn’t weakness. It’s anticipatory grief. Grief for the timeline they imagined. Grief for the experience they thought they’d have. And fear of a future they can’t control.”

Our Minds Make It Personal, But Our Bodies Don't

Infertility with no cause only adds salt to an ever-growing wound. As these feelings grow, we compare ourselves to others, worry about the future, and fear for our own journeys, and it's natural to feel as though our mindset has something to do with it all.

“My personal journey and ‘diagnosis' was unexplained infertility, and it is so maddening. Wanting to find answers is human nature, so having no concrete answer is mind-blowing,” Feder says as she shares her own story.

“When there’s a diagnosis, at least there’s a plan. With unexplained [infertility], women often feel dismissed, like they’re floating in ambiguity. It can start to feel personal. ‘Is it me? Is it stress? Am I somehow causing this?”

Navigating the Low Fertility Negativity

“Here’s what I tell my clients very clearly: infertility is not a mindset problem. Do I wish you could move through infertility more easily and without stress? Of course, but stress does not cause infertility. Being anxious does not make you infertile. If that were true, no one in medical school or corporate America would ever have children,” Feder explains.

She tells us that “unexplained” doesn’t mean “imaginary.” “It means our current testing hasn’t identified the reason yet. Medicine doesn’t know everything, and that’s frustrating, but it does not mean your body is broken because [of it].” Feder continues, sharing the steps women can take while prioritizing their mental health on this journey:

1. Continue working with a provider who takes you seriously and explores appropriate next steps. If yours doesn’t, it's crucial to find one who does.
2. Get emotional support so the uncertainty doesn’t consume you. Or, so that if it does, you have someone to help you regain control. You can pursue medical answers and protect your mental health at the same time.
3. Starting a family with low fertility is challenging, but not impossible. Let yourself feel the emotions that come up instead of forcing yourself to stay positive all the time.

Feder puts it this way: “I believe you have to feel it to heal it. So if you’re not feeling positive and you can’t be optimistic in a particular moment, you have to take the time and space to honor your authentic feelings. It’s a must,” she says.

“We put so much pressure on ourselves to be optimistic, and sometimes it simply feels forced. Going through all of the emotions will help the hope come back, and it’s important to rejoice and bask in those moments!”

Forget the Timeline, Focus On Now

Couples trying to have a baby often hear this like a broken record: It can take up to one year. These words are meant to be comforting, but they unintentionally have the opposite effect. They add an end date that becomes a countdown, rather than a reassurance. And according to Feder, there's no room for it in the low fertility battle.

“I hate that timeline, even if it’s true,” she says. “Knowing something is ‘supposed' to happen at a certain time makes the feeling of failure stand out. Infertility is not a sprint. It’s not even a marathon. It’s more like an endurance hike, where the trail map keeps changing.”

She adds that the biggest mistake she often sees is women putting their entire life on hold “until.” “Until they’re pregnant. Until they transfer. Until after this next cycle. And, as a major long hauler, I get it. We always think the next one will be the thing: the next cycle, transfer, procedure. And then we can get back to ‘normal.' Before you know it, huge chunks of life have passed you by.”

To fight back against this way of thinking, she recommends something simple: Living. “You have to build a life alongside the trying. Take the trip, have the glass of wine, meet the friend. Infertility will be waiting. And yes, time matters, but in the grand scheme of things, most of the time, a month or two won’t matter. The mental health break alone can be delightful.”

What to Do When Depression and Anxiety Take Over

Depression and anxiety often show up as star players when it comes to low fertility and infertility struggles. For many women, it's not a question of “if,” but a question of “when.” This adds a heaviness to starting a family, bringing additional frustration and pressure.

“Trying to conceive can absolutely trigger depression and anxiety. The stress of trying not to stress alone can be unbearable,” says Feder. “The hormonal shifts alone can destabilize mood. Add in uncertainty, financial strain, and repeated disappointment, and it’s no surprise. Mental health support is not a luxury during fertility treatment: it’s part of the treatment.”

Feder recommends therapy, coaching, and medication when appropriate. “None of that is a sign of weakness. In fact, untreated depression and anxiety are far worse. You deserve support for your mind as much as your ovaries.”

What to Do When Your Partner Struggles, Too

Infertility and low fertility are solely carried by one in a relationship. This challenge is taken on by both partners, and because of that, they both feel the sadness, frustration, agony, and guilt of not conceiving immediately. While our partners are often overlooked, their emotions often mirror our own, albeit in different ways.

“Partners often feel helpless and want to say the exact right thing, because they also have their own pressure not to over-stress the partner receiving direct treatment. They want to fix it. They want to protect. And infertility is not fixable on demand. My biggest advice to partners is this: stop trying to solve the emotion. Sit in it, and tell your partner you’re sitting in it with them,” says Feder.

“And practically speaking, I encourage partners to take ownership of at least one part of the process — research clinics, manage insurance, handle scheduling — so it doesn’t all fall on the person whose body is being medically managed.”

If the Baby-Making Burnout Blues Are Hitting, Here's Some Advice

Intimacy goes from zero to 100 when you're fighting a seemingly uphill battle. What was once a fun way to connect on a deeply emotional level is now feeling like a chore. The sense of obligation and panic over a missed window takes over, and suddenly, you're burnt out over the one thing that's meant to be so beautiful. But don't worry: You are not alone.

“Baby-making burnout' is so real,” agrees Feder.

“It often shows up as emotional exhaustion. Sex starts to feel transactional. Every month feels like déjà vu. You dread another negative test before you’ve even taken it. If you can work in a pause, please do. The reality is that stress may be present and unavoidable. So name it and work on ways to laugh about it if you can. How ridiculous the whole process may be,” she encourages.

Feder adds that going back to the drawing board to reassess doesn’t mean giving up. Instead, it might look like:

• Taking a month or two off from tracking or treatment.
• Getting a second opinion.
• Reworking your timeline.
• Having an honest conversation about what you both need right now.

She tells us that moving forward doesn't always look like a steady motion. “Sometimes the most productive step forward is a strategic pause.”

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