Choosing to Be a Mother: What One Expert Says About Deciding If Having Children Is Right for You

Now more than ever, women are being honest with themselves about what they want. We're asking the hard questions about our careers, our relationships, and what we want our lives to look like five, 10, or even 15 years down the line. This shift in taking back our power to create and manifest also means challenging something every woman has thought of: Having children.

As we learn to pause, sit with, and move through our emotions, it's only natural to consider this. For many, choosing to become a mother is as easy as breathing. For others, there exists an inevitable fork in the road. And as more women speak up about this complicated journey, such as London vlogger Katie Snooks, whose reel about motherhood has gone viral for its resonance, we begin a collective conversation.

Emma Wallen, psychotherapist, couples therapist, and Clinical Director of Thillow, is a strong voice in that conversation. We speak with her to learn how to handle one of the biggest decisions in any woman's life.

The Choice of Becoming a Mother Is Not One-Dimensional

“There’s no doubt, particularly now, as many women get the chance to decide on whether to become a mum or not, that the choice brings power, but also great doubt and confusion. Should I even have a child? Am I ready? What will I have to give up in order to become a mum? Will I be any good as a mum?” Wallen admits, adding that she sees women struggling often with this in her practice.

“And I have to say there are no definitive answers because it’s completely a solo choice. The good thing, however, is that the choice can be helped along by considering options and allowing an honest assessment of how you feel.”

Wallen says it's important to remember that the feelings associated with motherhood are complex. Women may feel excitement, fear, curiosity, and sadness, and these feelings can happen simultaneously. Remember: This is the most important decision of most people's lives. Knowing you aren't alone in feeling these emotions goes a long way in alleviating some pressure. Wallen reassures us that these feelings are extremely common, more so than anyone realizes.

Heavy is the Head That Wears the (Motherhood) Crown

“So why does the decision feel so difficult?” Wallen says. “It’s because starting a family isn’t just about having a baby. It’s all the practical as well as the emotional things. Our identity will change forever. No longer will we be unattached and able to navigate life relatively unhindered. Our baby will demand our attention and change everything.”

She adds that this is often where fear and apprehension enter the chat. While it's normal to question whether or not you'd be a good parent, other concerns, such as hypotheticals, further complicate the conversation.

“Other questions could emerge. The ‘what if’ questions that can prolong the uncertainty, and this is where real honesty has to take place. Gaining guidance from trusted sources can quell the natural fears these ‘what if’ questions create,” Wallen shares.

“These are questions about losing independence, not being able to pursue our career, and a big one is what if it changes my relationship. On the other hand, though, it’s not everyone who wants to have a family. Some of us prefer to be child-free, but even that brings up questions around regretting the decision later in life, missing out on something, or being lonely later in life. Both paths can bring happiness and fulfilment, but both can bring doubt and confusion.”

A Practice In Having Grace

Wallen emphasizes to her clients that it’s normal not to have immediate answers, as this is a life-changing decision. “It’s understandable that this doesn’t always feel okay when there are pressures to consider, like cultural expectations and the biological time ticking,” she says. “However, that doesn't alter the fact that finding the answer to these questions can, and in some cases should, take time to process.”

Wallen stresses that feeling uncertain is okay because thinking about what matters most to you is important. She also says that factoring in your relationships, career status, stability, and personal freedom may affect your decision. You might find that some aspects of your life are already aligned with becoming a mother, while others will undoubtedly change. This even extends to friendships, and Wallen says it's an important detail to think about.

“It’s also worth considering what your support system is, because having a family will inevitably demand much from you, and in this regard, it’s worth asking if you’re emotionally ready,” she says. In all of this, having grace with yourself — and your timeline — is essential.

Visualize What Motherhood Looks Like to You

Visualization is a powerful tool, and one that Wallen recommends. “I suggest to my clients that they take time to sit quietly, eyes closed, and imagine their life as a mother. After that, I suggest asking how they would feel if they had never become a mother. Allowing their honest reactions without judgment can offer answers,” she says.

Wallen also says you can take this a step further. “I also suggest imagining their life ten years from now if they choose to have children, and then ten years from now if they remain child-free. Exploring both can really help to clarify which path makes them happiest,” she shares.

“Doing this type of visualisation isn't to create a perfect version of either life, it’s about noticing your emotional response. It gives you an opportunity to recognise what feels full and satisfying, what feels heavy, and what just feels right.”

Wallen suggests visualizing core scenarios in motherhood, such as waking up on a normal day, imagining feeling calm and happy with no parental responsibilities. Then, compare this to waking up knowing you have to take care of your child, and the demands that could bring.

“We can then picture an ordinary evening after the demands of the day, running a bath and unwinding, as opposed to fitting this in after your child has been cared for and put to bed. Imagine a quiet Sunday morning with no other thought than a walk in the park, meeting friends for lunch, and then imagine taking your child for the walk and joining you and friends for lunch,” Wallen adds.

Additional Tools to Consider When Making a Choice

In addition to visualization, Wallen says there are several other tools to keep in your decision-making arsenal. Journaling, for example, is a powerful tool for exploring the thoughts or feelings you might not be able to say out loud. Writing creates a mirror in which we can reflect and become more self-aware. By doing this, we can work through feelings that may only come up while journaling.

“The beauty and power of journaling is that it is a safe space to be ultra honest about our thoughts and feelings. Writing freely about both imagined futures can unlock and allow the flow of your truth,” says Wallen. Doing this gives an unbridled chance to explore the roots of our decision not to have children. Done constructively, there should be no judgment, but an understanding and answering the ‘Whys’.”

Wallen also encourages talking and even therapy for those hard-to-have conversations. “Talking things through with a therapist or someone you know has your best interest at heart and can help you make sense of any mixed emotions. This type of reflection can help to focus on what you really want your life to stand for beyond the question of parenting. Another suggestion is any mindfulness practice, because this too brings attention back to the present rather than getting caught up in the ‘what if’ thinking,” she says.

There Will Be Grief

Grief is an overwhelming, all-encompassing, whole-body emotion. It's often something we feel right to our very core. It's uncomfortable to sit with, and even more difficult to acknowledge. However unpretty it is, this is also very much a part of the motherhood choice. Both decisions come with a sense of loss: either for your old life or for the new one you choose not to have. And, yes, even this is normal.

“There’s no doubt that processing any grief that comes from deciding not to have children can be confusing and upsetting. On the one hand, a conscious decision has been made, yet reminders can still appear in many forms, such as birthday parties, family traditions, holidays, and celebrations centered on families and children. Each of these can spark reminders and stir moments of unexpected emotion. I always stress to my clients that this is normal and more common than we realise,” Wallen explains.

“Even when we feel confident in making the decision not to have children, grief can accompany it, and allowing ourselves the space to acknowledge these feelings rather than dismissing them can help greatly in softening and overcoming these feelings over time,” she adds.

Wallen also stresses that while these tools are helpful, none of them bear the responsibility of making a decision. Becoming a mother is a choice made with love, compassion, and, yes, sometimes even fear. But it's one that only you know is right.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©fizkes / Getty Images