The Stay-at-Home Mom vs Working Mom Debate: What Experts Have to Say

Mom guilt is one of the worst parts of motherhood, and as someone who has been both a stay-at-home mom and a working mom, I can tell you for sure that it never goes away.

I felt like I had a short fuse when I was home all day with my kids, trying to juggle housework, work on my computer, and raise kids at the same time. When I sent them to preschool and daycare, I felt bad again, like I was neglecting them by not being home with them all day. On the other hand, I felt happier and more present at the end of the day when I picked them up, and I was off work.

So, when I say I know the decision to either stay home or go to work is complicated, trust me: I’ve been there. We speak with experts to get to the bottom of this decision — and to learn once and for all if one option is better than another.

Are There Benefits for Kids to Have a Stay-at-Home Mom?

Eileen Borski, LPC, NCC, and founder of Authentic Brain Solutions in Conroe, Texas, tells us, “Generally, my clinical experience, as well as recent research, suggests that children benefit long-term from a stable, warm mother or other parent, especially when that parent stays home during the child’s first year. Benefits include academic advantages and positive emotional well-being.”

She added, “Beyond the first year, neither research nor my clinical experience supports significant benefits for children.”

Gia Lacqua, trauma-informed certified coach, women's leadership strategist, author, and speaker, agrees about the importance of consistent, responsive caregiving in a child’s first few years of life. “This is when attachment begins to form at a neurological level,” she tells us.

“Kids with a stay-at-home mom typically develop a secure attachment with their mother as the primary caregiver. The primary caregiver does not have to be the mother, but it does have to be someone stable, attuned, responsive, and emotionally available.”

What About Working Moms?

There are also benefits for kids who go to a preschool or daycare while their moms go to work. “High-quality childcare, especially after the age of 2 to 3, can support language development, social skills, adaptability, and independence,” says Lacqua. “There's research that shows kids in high-quality early education environments often benefit cognitively and socially.”

Borski also points to the pros of this arrangement. “There are clearly benefits to having a working mother, including modeling that her own mental well-being and overall wellness are important,” Borski says. “In addition, the children of working mothers have access to more consistent health benefits and financial resources.”

A mom’s mental health is a huge factor in promoting her kids’ well-being. I’ve always said that even if all my income goes to my children’s daycare, it’s worth it for the happiness and fulfillment I find at work. And the experts agree.

“My clinical experience as a therapist working with mothers and children shows that a child raised by a mother in poor physical or mental health can experience adverse responses,” Borski says. “This includes emotional parentification, emotional dysregulation, and lower self-esteem. Long-term, these experiences present children and future adults with symptoms of anxiety and depression.”

Research seems to back up these claims. An August 2019 study found that parents who have more autonomy at work show less parenting over-reactivity, which is associated with better child outcomes. And a 2011 study by the American Psychological Association found that moms who worked either full-time or part-time during their children's infancy and preschool years reported better overall health and fewer symptoms of depression than stay-at-home moms.

Things to Consider Before Deciding What's Right for You

There are specific downsides to each approach, which are worth considering before you decide. “Long hours in low-quality childcare very early on can increase stress markers in some children,” Lacqua says. “[However], a mother who is home with their child and is feeling isolated, overwhelmed, or struggling with mental health can negatively impact attachment.”

“What's most important is the quality of the care and the state of the caregiver,” she adds.

Borski cautions, “Each approach can have downsides affecting the children’s short- and long-term well-being, including impacts on physical and mental health. Cognitive ability can also be negatively affected. That said, the answer isn’t black and white.”

“If the mother is not thriving holistically, the entire family system, including the children, suffers,” Borski adds. At the end of the day, researchers can't predict how things will work out for your individual family's needs, so it's important to figure it out for yourself.

So, How Do You Know Things Are Working Out?

After deciding whether to go to work or stay home, take some time to evaluate how that decision makes you feel. This is the best way to determine if things are working out.

“Many mothers are using external markers to gauge whether or not their setup is working, such as societal and cultural expectations, social media, and validation from family members,” Lacqua says. “Instead, I encourage women to start paying attention to their own internal state, because that's where the real answer lies.”

She also shares some questions you can ask yourself to make a decision. These include:

• Are you constantly overwhelmed, tapped out, resentful, or checked out?
• Do you generally feel grounded, connected, and present?
• Is your child generally OK separating from you and reconnecting when you're back?
• Are they able to calm down with support when they get upset?

“There will always be hard days, but chronic dysregulation is data,” Lacqua says.

Ignore the Pressure to Parent a Certain Way

When it comes to deciding on a solution, do your best to leave out societal pressure to parent a certain way — something that can be especially difficult for moms.

“The pressure on working mothers and mothers who choose not to work outside of the home is real and societal,” says Borski. She adds, “In my practice, I see mothers who parent effectively while working outside the home, while others are ineffective. The same reality applies to mothers who choose not to work outside the home — some are thriving while others aren’t.”

And the pressure to be perfect for yourself and your kids isn't just coming from online influencers and social media. Unfortunately, the way society is set up works against mothers as well, with a lack of resources for childcare and support for maternal leave in this country. That can make moms feel like they have fewer options — and puts more pressure on them to get it all right on their own because they have no help.

More and More Moms Feel Pressure to Make the “Right” Choice

“The pressure is so intense right now because we are trying to solve a structural problem, which is a lack of support for parents, with a personal performance solution,” Lacqua explains. “So women end up debating stay home vs work and tradwife vs career mom, instead of asking what actually supports both the child's development and the mother's well-being.”

She adds, “The data doesn't say there's one right model. What it actually supports is: strong early attachment (ages 0-3), quality caregiving, and a regulated primary caregiver.”

And don’t forget, you can change your mind and adjust your family situation as needed (just like I did!). You don't have to make being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom part of your whole identity; in fact, not doing that and being flexible through either option might go a long way to reduce the stigma.

“For some families, mom or dad stays home in the early years and then returns to work, some shift to part-time jobs, some parents both work and share caregiving more equally, and some decide to have one parent stay home when the children are slightly older,” Lacqua says. “There isn't one solution, but you need to be responsive to the season you're in.”

The image featured at the top of this post is ©fizkes/Shutterstock.com