Does Attachment Parenting Ask Too Much of Moms? Here’s What You Need to Know

Let’s be real – being a new parent can be overwhelming. From adjusting to life with a newborn to dealing with all of the emotions and changes that happen postpartum, there’s so much going on in your mind that it’s difficult to focus on anything but diapers and milk in those first few days. But whether you’re currently pregnant and waiting for your little one’s arrival or in those blurry yet blissful newborn days, at some point, you’ll probably ask yourself: What kind of parent do I want to be? 

Especially as a new mom or dad, there are so many parenting styles out there that it can make your head spin. While you certainly don’t need to know about every parenting style, you may have heard about attachment parenting and want to learn more about it. This type of parenting isn’t new, but there are many reasons why it’s still around today. 

What Is Attachment Parenting?

Every effective parenting style starts with attachment — also known as that special bond between parents and their baby. But attachment parenting takes the idea of healthy attachment to new heights by emphasizing that attachment between a baby and their parents in the early days of their life will impact them for the rest of their lives.

While some parenting styles, such as helicopter parenting or permissive parenting, are more focused on how you respond to your child at different ages, attachment parenting is about how you parent your child from the minute they enter the world. That doesn’t mean if your baby is already born, you can’t apply these principles to your own parenting, but attachment parenting isn’t focused on discipline necessarily. Instead, it starts with the belief that your attachment is vital to your child’s health from the second they’re born.

Where Did This Parenting Style Come From?

Many researchers have discussed attachment parenting in the past 100 years, including psychologist John Bowlby. Bowlby’s work was related to attachment theory, which emphasizes that the positive bond between a mother and baby is a necessary foundation that the child will build on for the rest of their life.

Perhaps the most well-known research on the topic is attributed to Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician who published The Attachment Parenting Book in 2001. According to Dr. Sears, attachment parenting isn’t a new style of parenting – instead, it’s the way parents used to care for babies before there were so many books, advisors, or opinions out there telling parents what to do.

While many confuse attachment parenting with other styles like gentle parenting, the idea behind this parenting style is to be attentive to your baby’s needs, especially in those early days. By becoming attuned to your baby’s cues, you can start to understand what they need and when they need it, solidifying the bond between you and your little one. Attachment parenting can be best described by looking at the 7 “B's of attachment parenting, as discussed in Dr. Sears’s book.

What Are the “B’s” of Attachment Parenting?

In the most general sense, attachment parenting, also known as natural parenting or empathetic parenting, is child-focused instead of parent-focused. This means that the parent is meant to put the needs of the baby first, even if those needs are inconvenient to the parent. To guide parents in the right direction to apply these principles, Dr. Sears came up with the seven “B’s” of attachment parenting:

Birth Bonding

Attachment parenting, according to Dr. Sears, begins as soon as your baby is born. Birth bonding means prioritizing the bond between moms and babies shortly after birth. One of the ways Dr. Sears says moms can increase this bond by avoiding any pain medications, such as an epidural, that may get in the way of those first moments of bonding.

However, on the Ask Dr. Sears site, it’s clarified that birth bonding was never meant to be a one-time event after birth. Even if a woman is separated from her baby or doesn’t experience those first few moments of bonding after giving birth, there are still many opportunities in the coming days to increase the bond between her and her bundle of joy.

Baby Wearing

Any parent who has already had a baby or two knows that little ones love to be carried. It makes sense considering they spent the past nine months inside of you – but in Western culture especially, it’s more common for babies to be expected to sleep on their own or be content being put down in a bassinet or swing. 

Another philosophy behind attachment parenting is the closeness that happens when babies are carried, which promotes familiarity between the mom or primary caregiver and the baby. This is why it’s recommended that you wear your baby in a baby carrier instead of putting them in a stroller or setting them down while you’re taking care of things around the house.

Breastfeeding

Although not everyone chooses to breastfeed, there are numerous benefits to this parenting practice. Attachment parenting teaches that breastfeeding is not only beneficial nutritionally, but it also benefits the relationship between you and your baby, helping you understand your baby better.

Dr. Sears is an advocate for extended breastfeeding, often writing about the many benefits for mom and baby, especially in those early days of life.

Bed Sharing

Bed sharing, also known as co-sleeping, is another practice that parents are encouraged to do with attachment parenting. Although co-sleeping isn’t possible for every parent, it’s encouraged that moms sleep close to their baby in some way, whether that’s by bed-sharing or having baby sleep in a bassinet next to the bed.

It’s important to note that the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend co-sleeping, but they do encourage room sharing. If you do choose to co-sleep, it’s important to learn what safe co-sleeping looks like.

Belief in the Baby’s Cries

When a baby is born, crying is their main way of communicating. Even though it can be emotionally challenging for parents, especially when their baby won’t start crying and they can’t figure out why, attachment parenting teaches that babies cry to communicate with us, not to manipulate us. 

Your baby expects you to respond to their cries, whether they’re hungry, sleepy, or just in need of some cuddles. It takes time, but the longer you respond to your baby’s cries, the more in tune you become with meeting your baby’s needs.

Beware of Baby Trainers

Attachment parenting doesn’t teach that you can’t take advice from anyone, but it does teach parents how to discern whom they should take advice from. Dr. Sears has stated that parents should find what works best for their family when it comes to sleep. If the method you’re using leads to constant sleep deprivation, it’s time to try something else.

However, he also says you should be wary of those who call themselves “baby trainers,” or those who teach methods of sleep training such as cry it out, because they encourage moms to put their babies on a strict schedule for the sake of convenience.

Balance

Balance is perhaps one of the most important parts of attachment parenting. If you read about all of the “Bs” of attachment parenting and think, “That seems like a lot!”, it’s because it is a lot. But it’s important to remember that you have to care for your needs as well. No matter what type of parenting style you choose, it’s not going to be easy. However, as the parent, you get to choose what works best for you and your baby.

It’s also important to remember that attachment parenting is really an approach, not a strict set of rules. The seven “Bs” of attachment parenting are things that are encouraged because they can increase the secure attachment between you and your baby. But parents can choose to practice some of them and not others.

Is Attachment Parenting Right for You?

There are certainly many critics of attachment parenting, and considering what is required of moms and caregivers to follow this approach, it’s easy to see why. Some say that it requires too much of parents, and others say that it makes it impossible for moms to do anything outside of the home, which makes their only option staying home with the kids.

Experts say there are many benefits to attachment-style parenting, such as minimized infant stress during the first few months of life and a reduction in the risk of early death for infants. Research has also shown that a mother’s responsiveness to the cues of her infant directly influences a child’s secure attachment to her. 

According to Parenting Science, there are benefits to the approach of attachment parenting, but there’s mixed evidence when it comes to specific practices. The current culture in the West is much different from the way things used to be, and how much support a mother has can impact whether this parenting approach is best for her or not.

At the end of the day, remember that you don’t have to fit into one box or mold when it comes to your parenting style. You may decide you like the approach of attachment parenting, but you might prioritize the bond between you and your baby in different ways. Parenting will never be one-size-fits-all, and ultimately, you get to decide what works best for your family.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Alena Ozerova/Shutterstock.com.