From Moodiness to Aggression: Signs That Your Child’s Daycare Isn’t Working and It’s Time to Make a Change

You spent weeks (maybe even months) researching the best daycare options for your child. You considered the size of the classes and read online reviews from other parents to ensure that the staff were loving, kind, and compassionate to the kiddos in their care. But despite your best effort, your child seems to be really in daycare. Is it just an adjustment — or is daycare not working for your child?

How Do Children Typically React To Daycare?

Daycare can definitely be an adjustment for both your child and your family. And while you suspected that your child might initially cling to you until they became accustomed to daycare, you didn’t plan for your child to scream their head off when they saw their caregiver—or perform back arches that made getting them out of the car nearly impossible. 

The thing is, these responses to daycare are pretty common in the beginning, according to Yael Sherne, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Founder of Mother Nurture Therapy Group. “Parents can expect a transition period, both at home and during drop-off,” Sherne says. Your child might take a while to warm up to the group, hang out by the door looking for you after you leave, or get teary-eyed when they’re tired and need a nap until they’ve adjusted.

What Are Some Signs That Daycare Isn’t A Fit For Your Child?

Maybe for the first week or so, everything seemed all right. The drop-offs were less dramatic, and your child was happy to see you at pick-up time. But out of nowhere, the daycare dynamic started to shift, and you’d find your child sitting by themselves while the other children played with puzzles together, or the caregiver would tell you that they had been eating very little at lunchtime. 

While it’s common for a child’s feelings to be in flux as they adapt to daycare, it can become an issue when they’re not showing signs of improvement. “Within the first two to three weeks, you should notice some reduction in distress,” Sherne says. 

That said, improvement isn’t always obvious, and it isn’t linear, either. “Your child might have some good days and bad days mixed together, and that’s okay,” says Laura Todd, a licensed professional clinical counselor. “Ultimately, the goal is growth in the right direction.” 

But if daycare isn’t working, your child may start exhibiting more intense behaviors, such as striking a sibling or being in a perpetually bad mood. So if your normally peace-loving little one exhibits extreme behaviors (such as panic attacks, vomiting, inconsolable crying, or anxiety), it might be time to become curious about what’s working with your daycare — and what isn’t. 

It might not necessarily be the daycare itself that’s the core issue. External factors can also play a part in your child’s adjustment period. Divorce, moving to a new location, or the arrival of a sibling can potentially delay your child’s ability to adapt — sometimes up to six months. Adds Todd: “The more adjustments that a child is going through at the same time, the longer it takes for them to be able to fully adjust to all those changes.”

What Is The Daycare's Role?

If you thought that figuring out why daycare isn’t clicking with your kid was your sole responsibility, daycare providers should actively participate in this process, too, and look for ways to directly address your child’s needs. For example, your child might feel safer with one staff member, and the daycare should make accommodations for that person to be more available for them. “If your child gravitates toward one specific caregiver, ask for a direct handoff with that person at drop-off,” Sherne says. “Have that provider take your child from your arms and spend a few minutes together with them before joining the larger group.” 

In addition to having a “safe person” at daycare, your child might benefit from bringing something from home to feel more secure. A transitional object — such as a lovey — can ease drop-offs and soothe them during the day when you’re not there. “A comfort item can help ease separation anxiety and feel like you’re with them throughout their day,” Sherne explains. And if your child is still feeling stressed, find out if your daycare can set up a schedule for you to FaceTime with your child so you can stay connected throughout the day.

Ideally, your daycare provider should give you updates about how your child’s day went, but sadly, some might downplay incidents (like your child shoving another kid who grabbed the green crayon they wanted) or not even disclose them at all. When communication isn’t clear — or absent altogether — it can become an even bigger problem. “Daycares should be in open communication with parents about their child's behavior while in their program,” Todd adds. 

So if your child tells you that they sit by themselves or another child is being mean to them (and the staff didn’t tell you this), schedule a meeting with them. Find out why they weren’t forthcoming with that information. After all, a lack of clear communication can be one of the biggest factors in determining if that daycare is right for you. 

What Should Parents Do?

Preparing your child for daycare isn’t something you want to start the night before the big day. It starts with having honest (and age-appropriate) conversations ahead of time. “Depending on your child's age and developmental level, talk with them about what the drop-off process will actually look like, and not just that daycare is fun,” advises Sherne. Remind your child that you’ll be back on time to pick them up — try using a clock to show where the little and big hands will be at pick-up time and stick to a regular schedule so they won’t be waiting — and worrying. “Predictability reduces anxiety,” she adds. 

Sometimes, an extended drop-off time can be a big help. Some providers will allow parents 30 minutes to give their child extra time to acclimate. Another option may be to start with a half-day schedule, and then, when your child is ready, switch to full days. And talk to the staff or the director of the daycare about your concerns or to find out more information about how your child is doing. Ask them to let you know if your child is having a rough day or needs to be picked up earlier. 

When Should You Contact A Pediatrician Or Specialist?

Despite your best efforts, it seems like daycare has become “day-scare” for your child. Although the solution might be as simple as switching from one daycare provider to another, it’s worth exploring why daycare isn’t working.

“If a child seems generally regulated at home but is consistently distressed in the daycare environment, specifically, get curious about what in that setting might be contributing before assuming it's a broader issue,” Sherne suggests. “If the challenges are not specific to daycare, if separation anxiety is pervasive across settings, or if sensory sensitivities or behavioral patterns are showing up in multiple contexts, discuss your concerns with a pediatrician or specialist.” 

The timing of the conversation is important, too. “A parent should wait at least 1-2 weeks before addressing the issue in order to see if the initial separation struggles and behaviors resolve themselves from repeated exposure and practice,” says Todd. Sherne adds that consulting with a healthcare provider may also rule out any potential developmental or health issues. 

Ideally, daycare should be a safe place for all children and provide a compassionate, inclusive, fun, and educational environment. So if your child is consistently having negative reactions to being there, or you have doubts about their specific daycare (or even daycare in general), speak to someone who can help you make an informed decision that’s in the best interest of your child.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Natalia Deriabina/Shutterstock.com