Cozy Day on Standby and 5 Other Ways to Help Your Partner With Endometriosis Feel Supported

Endometriosis is a debilitating diagnosis. And as a chronic illness, it can make you feel isolated and alone. In times of flare-ups when you're floating without an anchor, sometimes, your partner is your rock. This disease keeps a normal life at arm's length, but it doesn't mean it can't also tether us to support.

When it feels like a flare-up dictates my pain level, mood, and capability, my partner is always strong enough for both of us. But just as every day is different when living with a chronic illness, our support needs differ, too. These are the ways my partner helps me on tough days, and how each makes life a little easier.

Cozy Day on Standby

One of the worst parts of any chronic illness is its unpredictability. You might feel great for weeks, and then you eat the wrong thing, have a bad night's sleep, or move the wrong way. Suddenly, being immobile with a heating pad and some tea is the only relief you can find. This comes with the territory, but it certainly puts a major damper on any plans you make in advance. When this happens, my partner and I have “cozy days on standby.” The understanding that sometimes, plans need to be canceled (or restructured) is everything with a chronic illness.

Having companionship and a partner who's willing (and even excited!) to stay home, cozy up, or co-exist in the same space is helpful. Maybe this looks like having your favorite movies queued up, or grown-up parallel play. You might even have a survival kit for days like these. This could include a big comfy blanket, your favorite sweats, a heating pad, comfort snacks, and whatever else you need.

If your partner is down to hang out on the couch together, they can even have their own “cozy day” kit. Turning a rest day into a low-key activity takes it from “lonely” to a comforting day at home with someone you love.

If Your Love Language is Physical Touch

We unfortunately have pain receptors on our bodies, but we also have pressure points. These pressure points can sometimes alleviate part of the pain we often feel. Just massaging sore muscles can help, whether you're in a flare-up or just feeling everyday aches.

For example, my neck is typically the first thing to flare up if I'm stressed. Over time, my partner has learned how to release those sore trapezoid muscles that cause radiating pain. Specific pressure points in the well of your shoulders can also relieve pain, which helps when a headache is looming.

Acupressure teaches us that specific pressure points in our hands and feet correlate to specific body parts. In our hands, it's believed we have direct lines to our large intestine and spleen. On the lower legs, pressure points correspond to the stomach and general muscle aches. These are sometimes used when dealing with menstrual pain.

The good news is that a foot, hand, or neck massage will feel amazing regardless of what pressure points are targeted. When your muscles and joints are against you, this can sometimes feel like a life-saving measure from your partner.

Chore Help is Sometimes a Crucial Means of Support

It's estimated that one in five women deals with chronic pain. When this pain is dismissed so often, it's not uncommon for many to hide it. Feelings of shame, failure, and guilt are also not unusual, especially when you're feeling burnt out. Chronic pain and fatigue can make the simplest things feel monumental, even if it's a chore you've done every single day. Having help makes a world of difference, especially if you get five minutes to sit down and take a breath.

Whether it's putting away the dishes or feeding the pets, your partner's active involvement makes all the difference between burning out and recovering. Relationships are give and take. Knowing that your partner has your back on bad days and vice versa adds another layer of reassurance.

Understandably, it can feel embarrassing or defeating to be honest about how you're feeling. But honesty can pave the path toward the support you need. The best part of being loved by someone is knowing you can let your guard down and be taken care of, just as you take care of them. Let them help you when your day gets tough.

Doctor Appointments Aren't a Solitary Activity

There's a stigma surrounding doctor appointments — specifically with your gynecologist — that makes them feel taboo. This might stem from the shame many women feel when reporting chronic pain or issues. It's natural to feel as though we need to go on this journey alone, but thankfully, it's not the truth.

A supportive partner won't hesitate to attend an appointment. They might even benefit from speaking with a doctor to hear what your life is like from a medical standpoint.

Endometriosis is a complicated illness. It's a full-body illness and can affect multiple parts of your body. The fatigue is random, periods are worse, and it can cause severe mood changes. These things are sometimes challenging to explain to another person who's never experienced any of them.

Open communication with your partner and doctor can help bridge the gap and eliminate any misunderstandings. You'd be surprised to know how many doctors are open to, and actually encourage, bringing your partner along. When you spend your life with someone, letting down those walls can strengthen your support system.

Intimacy in Flux, and How You Can Feel Supported

There's no easy way to discuss intimacy with your partner when you feel it's the last thing you want. Just as your partner holds space for communication, understanding, and compassion, space should also be held for intimacy. This varies so differently from case to case in endometriosis. Some might be unaffected and lead a life full of physical intimacy, while others have an intimate life that's affected by dyspareunia (pain during intercourse).

Open communication is the best way to normalize your intimate life with your partner. On days when you need space, it's helpful to have a conversation about what that means for you. Expressing how you feel and explaining that you're in pain, sick in luteal, or just aren't in the mood can temper expectations.

Communicating your mindset and how you feel physically is also a practice in being proactive. Without open communication, your partner might feel like something is wrong with them. Being open and honest about where you can be reassuring.

This is also two-fold; endometriosis is just as mental as it is physical. If you're feeling unconfident, unattractive, or down on yourself, sharing your feelings gives them a chance to reassure you. Intimacy is not one-size-fits-all, and emotional or intellectual intimacy can be just as powerful.

Have General Check-In Times

One thing that my partner started was general check-ins, and it's something I didn't even realize I needed. It helps me to pause and evaluate my own mental and physical state. When we're in constant motion, we don't always realize that something is happening within our bodies. Having someone check in at random times throughout the day to say, “How are you feeling?” also helps you check in with yourself.

When I get this question from my partner, it reminds me to slow down and get back in sync. You might take a few minutes to do a full-body scan and see if any areas of tension or discomfort can be released. You might take this time to do some deep-breathing exercises. Or maybe you just take a break to get some water and a snack.

No matter what it means to you to “check in,” having your partner remind you takes some of the pressure off. If nothing else, it's a steady reminder someone is watching out for you — and sometimes, that means everything.

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