How To Discuss Weight Without Getting Weighty

Weight can be a, well, weighty issue, especially when it’s your child who has put on some extra pounds. It’s a tough topic to tackle; after all, you want your kid to be healthy, but you don’t want them to feel self-conscious or accidentally induce feelings of shame surrounding their physique, either. So what do you do? Do you let the subject slide, or do you address the issue immediately? Here’s what the experts have to say.

Consult Your Pediatrician

Talking to your child about their weight can be a cringy convo that ranks right up there with the birds and the bees speech. But many experts advise against expressing your worries about their weight at all.

“Feelings of shame and embarrassment often stem from the thought that we've done something wrong,” says Elizabeth O'Keefe-Morse, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and Clinical Director at Be Well Psychological Services, PLLC. “We do not want children to walk away from a conversation about their bodies feeling any sense of shame or embarrassment.” 

That’s why, when discussing weight, it’s best to let the medical experts handle it. “While it may be concerning to see your child's weight gain, talking to them directly about it isn’t usually necessary, and it should never be the first intervention,” says Natalie Mica, MEd, LPC-S, CART, CDWF, a licensed professional counselor at Restore Psychotherapy & Wellness.

“Speak with the child's doctor or health professional first about growth and weight to determine what is normal and if they have any concerns about potential underlying health conditions.” 

Dr. Amanda K. Darnley, a licensed psychologist and the owner of Chrysocolla Counseling, PLLC, adds: “Kids’ bodies change so much as they are growing. Gaining weight is natural and healthy, especially as they are gearing up for a growth spurt.”

Unless there are underlying medical issues (such as low energy levels or concerns regarding your child’s quality of sleep, for example), Darnley points out that it’s more important to focus on your child’s physical health—and not the numbers on a scale. “Healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes, so unless the weight gain is negatively impacting your child’s physical or emotional well-being, I would not directly address it,” she says. 

Watch Your Words

Sure, it may look like your kid is glued to YouTube, but they are always (and we mean always) listening to what you say, particularly when you’re trying to have a private conversation. So be sure that your own words match the message you’re trying to convey to your kiddo about calories and weight. “Don’t talk about ‘dieting,’ ‘needing to lose weight,’ or ‘feeling fat,’” says Darnley. “Kids are paying attention to how you talk about and treat your body and will learn how to treat theirs accordingly.”

“Try to avoid using labels like fat, obese, big-boned, chubby, husky, skinny, or scrawny for yourself, your child, or other people,” explains Mica. 

So what can you say? Kind, self-affirming sentiments. “Discuss wanting to nourish our bodies well from a place of self-love instead of focusing on what we want to change or dislike,” says O’Keefe. “We want children to grow up having a healthy relationship with food and a feeling of self-worth regardless of weight.” Remember: what you say holds a lot of weight, and could negatively impact your child’s relationship with food (and their self-esteem) for years to come. 

Reflect On Your Own Relationship With Food

If your pediatrician isn’t too worried about your child’s weight gain (but you still are), it might be a good idea to do some self-introspection. “You should evaluate why you are concerned,” advises Mica. “What is your personal relationship with food and weight, and is this weighing in on your concerns for your child?”

It might make you feel uneasy, but doing a deep dive into your own feelings about food could actually be eye-opening. It just might fix any unresolved issues you have with food, and in turn, benefit both you and your family. 

Encourage Healthier Eating Habits

You try to get healthy meals on the table during the week, but hey, sometimes a drive-thru just has to do. While there isn’t anything awful about eating some fries now and then, limit the number of times fast food becomes a default. That’s easier said than done, though, and it can be challenging for your child to suddenly switch to healthier snacks. But how do you get your kid interested in hummus when they have a hankering for ice cream?

“Keep healthy snack options available and meal prep and cook snacks and meals together,” says Mica. “That way, your child has an investment in what is available.”

And speaking of snacks, keep an eye on what they’re eating. “Are they asking for an apple and peanut butter for a snack, or are they reaching for the chips?” says Darnley. Her tip: ask your child how they feel after they eat certain foods. For example, veggies and dip might give them some added energy while a double chocolate chip cookie might give them a temporary boost—and a carb crash later. 

Being mindful of how you classify food is equally as important as what you eat. “Be careful not to label food as good or bad,” advises Darnley. “We’ve even moved away from labeling food as healthy or unhealthy because we want our kids to be able to enjoy treats without feeling like they are eating something they shouldn’t be.” Food can be presented as “good for your body” or “good for your soul,” says Darnley, so that your child understands that food is fuel for both your physical and mental well-being.

Get Physical As A Family

It’s so easy to be sedentary, but it’s a no-brainer that a lack of exercise doesn’t bode well for your body. But be careful not to stress that the reason for exercising is to help your child lose weight. “Do not single out the child, but implement healthier practices as a family,” says Mica. “Be a role model and lead the way to a healthier and more active lifestyle.”

Start small by playing outside together, taking walks, or riding bikes with a focus on spending quality time together. “Parents can discuss the importance of engaging in movement/ physical activity for both our physical and mental health,” says O’Keefe. 

Identify Emotional Eating

Think about it: from happiness to sadness, anger to anxiety, food is tied to so many feelings. So if medical issues aren’t to blame, speak with your child about what’s going on in their lives. “Identify and encourage open communication about emotions, since boredom, loneliness, sadness, and frustration can be triggers for emotional eating,” suggests Mica.

She also suggests being available for your child with curiosity and acceptance of their feelings. If your child is struggling with certain social-emotional issues, speaking to a mental health counselor could help give them the support that they might need. 

We want the best for our babies, and seeing your child’s weight gain can induce a lot of worrying. Being proactive by speaking to your pediatrician, slowly implementing healthier habits, and knowing what to say (and not to say) can set your child up for success – physically, emotionally, and mentally, no matter what the number is on the scale.

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